


The Casanova of Quadrants

by LadyMurasaki



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Animalistic, Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Community: homesmut, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, M/M, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Scent Marking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-13
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2017-12-05 04:11:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 22,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/718752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyMurasaki/pseuds/LadyMurasaki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trolls sure are weird!<br/>They make all these funny piles everywhere and won't let anyone in them, they make really strange noises, and Karkat turned <i>so red</i> when all I did was ruffle his hair a little!</p><p>{This is going to include a lot of quadrant shenanigans. <i>All</i> of the quadrants, in fact. Tags will be added as necessary.}</p><p>{A <a href="http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/39135.html?thread=42500319#cmt42500319">prompt</a> on the Homesmut kinkmeme asked for animalistic trolls hitting on John, and Karkat swooping in to save the day by way of claiming John as his own. <i>Completely altruistically</i>, of course!<br/>It may or may not have gotten out of hand.}<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my beta, Trombonesonmars, and also the prompter, Troodon, for all the help and encouragement on this piece!

John paused in typing out his reply to Dave, startled by a noise. Standing in the middle of an otherwise empty hallway near the area he’d staked out as his own, he cast about in search of the source of the weird cicada noise. It didn’t sound mechanical, so it probably wasn’t one of that big sweaty troll’s weird projects or the four-horned one’s computers; as far as he knew, there wasn’t anything on this asteroid except for humans and trolls and that one funny little chess piece guy, and he’d heard the trolls make some weird noises, but this was a new one by far.

There was a clatter and the noise cut off; the human turned around to find Tavros sprawled out in a doorway, having apparently tripped. His lance was out; what a weird place to train! John walked over to help him up with a concerned, “Are you all right, um…Tavros, right?” He’d only arrived a short while ago, and remembering all of these trolls’ names was hard work!

He was barely a foot away when Tavros tensed and frowned up at him, a low rumble coming from him, “D-Don’t, uh… Don’t come closer. I’m, um, I’m just fine.” He scrambled to his metal feet with all the grace he could muster; which wasn’t a lot, to be honest. John giggled a little behind his hand but kept his distance. Now standing upright, the troll drew himself to his full height – barely even an inch taller than John – and slung his lance over a shoulder. His face flickered with uncertainty a moment before he seemed to steel his resolve and muster up his courage, stepping closer to the observing human to stop a mere arm’s length away. 

“Yes?” John asked, after a moment, growing uncomfortable as Tavros just… stared. Directly at him. Cracking a nervous smile he asked, “Is there something you wanted me for? Tavros?” The troll had been lurking around outside John’s room. 

“You are… uh…” the troll swallowed, shifting from one foot to the other, but he didn’t look away even once, “You are an awful human and, um, your pranks… really make me angry, sometimes, because they are so, horrible. And also, I think, you are a coward, so that’s why you do all of your… terrible pranks.”

John was too unnerved to immediately process the insult, laughing nervously. “Oh man, I’m… I’m sorry? I haven’t even pranked you though, have I?”

Tavros’s upper lip twitched up, showing a flash of teeth, then stepped back just enough to bring his lance down between them, the tip pressed against John’s chest. John shut up quickly, hands coming up automatically. “I think, that maybe you should get out, uh… whatever stupid strifekind you have. Unless you’re scared, I mean.”

John was saved from responding to this out of the blue… threat, dare, request?... by a familiar bellowing, “What in the ever-hating taintchafing fuck is going on here?! Put that thing away before you break something, nookwipe! Can’t you bulgehumping shitsacks go five whole minutes without trying to cull each other?!”

Both John and Tavros turned to look at the rapidly approaching redblooded troll and the jadeblood that trailed along behind him. John stepped back, putting a bit more distance between himself and the lance, then turned completely away to greet the incoming storm cloud and his softly glowing accompaniment. “Karkat! Kanaya! We were just um… actually I’m not really sure what we were doing, haha!” He glanced back at Tavros, who had lowered his lance to the floor and was frowning at Karkat. “But he wasn’t going to hurt me, I swear!”

Tavros started up growling again, low and quiet, hand tensing on the handle of his lance. “Excuse me, but I really could hurt you, I mean, if I wanted to. Which I do.”

Kanaya remained quiet, glancing between the bronzeblooded troll and the human and looking uncertain if she should get involved or not. Karkat took up the initiative, inhaling sharply through his nose and scowling between them both. “Whoa. _Whoa_. I’m pretty fucking sure that I’ve made myself perfectly fucking clear when I said that _there will be no interspecies sloppy makeouts_. At no point in this or any timeline have I, _your leader_ , rescinded this order.” He’d started snarling mid-rant, the noise soon rising to a pitch that drowned out Tavros’s continued growling. The taller male troll tilted his head down, brandishing his impressive set of horns threateningly in Karkat’s direction, but it was Karkat that stomped closer, head similarly bent. John watched on in confusion, wide-eyed. The trolls were nearly standing chest to chest, so close that a deep breath would have them pressed together, and yet they didn’t touch at all, glaring into each other’s eyes as they growled and snarled and bared teeth.

John slowly leaned closer to Kanaya and whispered loudly, “Is this that hate quadrant thing?”

Karkat whipped around so quickly that he clipped Tavros across the nose with a nubby horn, snapping, “No, shitstain, this is _not_ ‘that hate quadrant thing’, what the fuck. I’m _trying_ to make this dumb grubfisted rumpusfuck— _fucking hell Nitram_!” 

The shorter troll was abruptly cut off as Tavros punched him square in the jaw, sending Karkat stumbling backward. The bronzeblood looked a little surprised, staring incredulously as Karkat cradled his injured jaw; the pause gave the shorter troll an opening to haul back his own fist and charge in, landing a punch to his face with a snarl. Unsteady on his robotic legs and caught off guard, Tavros toppled over onto his butt with a loud yelp. Karkat stood over him, sneering as he cracked his knuckles. “I _said_ to back _off_ , Nitram.” 

“Karkat, what—wait—“ concerned, John started towards them, intending on breaking up the fight before it could escalate, but Kanaya stepped forward to block his way, shaking her head.

“Please refrain from interfering, John. It would not be helpful.”

“But he—they—what are they fighting for, I don’t get it!” He’d thought Kanaya was the one that always broke up the fights, why was she just standing here?

“Stay out of it, Egbert. I’m doing you a favor.” Karkat called over his shoulder without taking his eyes off his opponent. Tavros hesitantly reached out for his fallen lance and Karkat’s snarl rose higher in pitch, kicking the other troll’s hand away then bending to retrieve the weapon and toss it across the hall. “You started this with fists, bulgemunch. Don’t wimp out now.”

Tavros cradled his hand to his chest and rumbled up at him, but quieter now and not as threatening. Even quieter, he murmured sulkily, averting his eyes to the far wall, “I saw him first.”

Karkat scoffed, his own growling tapering off, but his stance over the other troll didn’t waver. “What are you, two sweeps old? Get the fuck out of here, Nitram, and find someone on your own level.” He kicked at one of the troll’s metal legs.

Tavros hunched in on himself, grumbling, and started to stand up, only to realize that Karkat was standing nearly on top of him, making it impossible. With a curl of his lip (met by the beginnings of a quiet warning growl), Tavros half-crawled, half-dragged himself far enough away that he could stand. Retrieving his lance and stashing it away, he sent one last parting growl at the redblood, “I didn’t think, that your rule against, um, interspecies make outs… applied to everyone except you, _Leader_.” The shorter troll took a step towards him and Tavros’s mouth clicked shut. He turned quickly and strode away from the group as casually as he was able to. Karkat watched him until he turned a corner and was out of sight.

Once the bronzeblood was gone, Kanaya stepped aside quickly, just as Karkat was turning back around to glare at the human. John squeaked and put his hands up in the universal ‘don’t hurt me’ gesture, which just made Karkat sneer at him. The male troll grumbled quietly and scrubbed his hand over his face, flinching just the tiniest bit when he came across where he’d been hit. “You don’t even fucking know what just happened, do you, bulgebiter?”

“N-No I…” John swallowed and went over the previous events, trying to piece it together. His hands lowered, eyebrows drawing together in anger at his realization. “Tavros wasn’t going to hurt me! He just wanted to spar! You didn’t have to go and pick a fight with him, Karkat, I can protect myself perfectly fine on my own!”

The troll froze, his hand still hovering over the lower half of his face as he stared, startled and suspicious and something John couldn’t name, at the annoyed boy. With a snort he shook himself out of his stupor quickly enough, hand dropping to a fist at his side. “No, fuck, Egbert, that was—damnit, why are humans so _useless_ , he was so obviously hitting on you – Condense only knows _why_ – how could you fucking _miss_ that? Are you blind or just that stupid?”

Kanaya looked from one male to the other before murmuring a hasty, “I believe I was supposed to meet with Rose soon. Excuse me.” and heading off in the direction Tavros had gone with a secretive smile.

John looked startled at her sudden departure, but Karkat didn’t pay her any mind. He continued frowning at the human and finally sighed, crossing his arms and looking away. “You humans don’t do black romance for some moronic reason that I’ll never understand, and it’s obvious that all the time I’ve wasted trying to explain quadrants to what’s left of your nonsensical species just isn’t going to penetrate that thick skull of yours. So trying to explain what just happened here would be as pointless as asking Equius to stop fucking sweating.” Turning sharply on his heel and marching away, Karkat called as he went, “Just stick to sparring with the other humans, or fuck, _I’ll_ go up against your ridiculously stupid hammerkind flailing myself if that’s what you want. But don’t even bother humoring that stupid shitstain.”

John watched the troll leave, confusion written all over his face. His glasses pinged, a message appearing in the corner.

TG: dude are you still there  
EB: trolls are really weird, dave.   
TG: uh yeah congratulations on stating the obvious bro


	2. One-Point-Five: How to Court a Mocking-Troll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Throughout this story there will be these "Point Five" chapters. They have no impact on the primary story at all, and blatantly break the fourth wall, simply to help explain a little bit of the story-canon. By way of Dave and Karkat because they are fun.  
> At the very end I'll add the actual notes as related to the previous chapter. Questions and comments are welcomed!

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]!  
TG: Vantas  
TG: yo  
TG: vantas you there??   
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT, YOU INSUFFERABLE PRICK?   
TG: got a question for you  
TG: about your fish romance  
CG: ….  
CG: FISH ROMANCE.   
TG: yeah  
TG: the one that looks like this <3<  
CG: …  
CG: THAT’S A SPADE, MORON.   
TG: yeah yeah fish shovel whatever you wanna call it  
TG: tell me how it is you trolls go about getting a fishmesis to mack on  
CG: WHY SHOULD I?   
TG: im trying to be all culturally sensitive  
TG: wouldnt wanna be accidentally leading you on  
TG: giving someone the vapors   
TG: oh my is that hot stallion coming on to me??   
TG: whoops no slow down there hatestud  
TG: ive got an image to maintain and angry snuggles just arent a part of that  
CG: IF I TELL YOU WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY?   
TG: no promises  
CG: WHATEVER.   
CG: FIRST OF ALL IT’S KISMESISSITUDE.   
CG: KISMESISSITUDE IS ONE OF THE CONCUPISCENT QUADRANTS AND IS FUELED BY HATRED AND RIVALRY.   
TG: yeah yeah two trolls hate each other very much and then they do something with buckets i got it  
TG: that’s not what im asking for here  
CG: KISMESIS STRIVE TO MAKE  
CG: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SHUT UP. YOU ARE NOT SHUTTING UP.   
TG: i told you man no promises  
TG: besides you were about to say something incredibly boring i had to stop you  
TG: youve told me all this before karkles and congratulations its finally sunk into my human thinkpot or whatever you trolls are calling a brain these days  
TG: see you were telling egbert that nitram there was getting all up in his grill  
TG: practically drooling to see the egbert brand goods  
TG: sniffing around to get his hate mack on  
TG: but im just not seeing it  
CG: WHAT DOES IT EVEN MATTER TO YOU?   
CG: OH FUCK IS GAMZEE HANGING AROUND YOU AND YOU THINK HE’S PITCHING FOR YOU?   
TG: what no  
TG: i havent seen your crazy clown snuggle buddy around  
TG: this is purely for educational purposes   
CG: …  
CG: I DON’T ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT BUT I GUESS IT WOULD DO YOU SOME GOOD TO LEARN ABOUT YOUR GODS AND THEIR SUPERIOR ROMANCING.   
CG: BUT I SWEAR TO THE HORRORTERRORS THAT IF YOU GO AND START “IRONICALLY” PITCH-FLIRTING WITH *ANYONE* I WILL PERSONALLY FIND MY RUSTIEST BROKEN SICKLE AND JAM IT BLADE FIRST SO FAR UP YOUR CHUTE THAT YOU AND EVERY ITERATION OF YOU IN EVERY DOOMED TIMELINE WILL BE TASTING COLD HARD OXIDIZED STEEL FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND THEN SOME.   
TG: why would you even imply something like that  
TG: im hurt karkles  
TG: cant a bro just be curious about how his alien buddies get their hate on without getting the third degree come on  
CG: UGH. FINE. DON’T GET YOUR HUMAN FEMALE’S UNDERGARMENTS IN A FUCKING TWIST.   
TG: consider my panties untwisted oh magnanimous one  
TG: so smooth and untwisted they cant be outdone  
CG: NO. DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE.   
CG: IF YOU START RAPPING ABOUT YOUR UNDERWEAR   
CG: I WILL BLOCK YOU SO QUICKLY, I FUCKING SWEAR.   
TG: not bad at all man   
TG: a little weak i mean youll never stand up to a strider but its good for an amateur  
CG: WHAT?   
CG: FUCK. THAT WASN’T ON PURPOSE, SHITSTAIN. DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS OR NOT?   
TG: no no go on im all ears  
CG: HMPH.   
CG: WELL I GUESS THE MOST COMMON WAY IT TO JUST SHOW THEM UP. WHATEVER THEIR RIVALRY IS BASED ON, BE BETTER AT IT AND THEN RUB THE OTHER TROLL’S NUB IN IT.   
CG: INITIATING A STRIFE, ANTAGONIZING THEM, INSULTING THEM. SHIT LIKE THAT.   
CG: SOME TROLLS SNEAK INTO THEIR INTENDED’S TERRITORY AND TAKE THINGS OR REPLACE THEM WITH ITEMS FROM THEIR OWN HIVES. LEAVE THEIR SCENT AROUND.   
CG: IT’S PRETTY ROMANTIC BUT YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL, SOME TROLLS MIGHT TAKE IT AS AN AGGRESSIVE INTRUSION INSTEAD OF A PITCH GESTURE AND THEY’D PROBABLY RATHER CHOP OFF YOUR BULGE AND STUFF IT DOWN YOUR AIR CHUTE UNTIL YOU CHOKE ON IT THAN PAIL YOU.   
TG: so pretty much just act like you but focus it on one person instead of everyone  
CG: WHAT? NO. FUCK YOU IN THE AURAL CANAL WITH A RUSTY CULLING FORK. I AM NOT A FUCKING PITCH SLUT.   
TG: yeah ok hatestud  
TG: keep it in your pants  
TG: i was trying to keep this a civil learning experience but you just had to go and cross that line into illicit teacher-student romance  
CG: LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO MY MIDDLE GRASPING DIGIT AND, OH LOOK AT THIS, IT SEEMS THERE ARE TWO OF THEM STANDING AT ATTENTION TO DELIVER UNTO YOU AN EXCEPTIONALLY HOT STEAMING PILE OF HEARTY FUCK YOU.   
TG: aw man come on im sorry  
TG: youd make an awesome sexy teacher if we just got you something nicer to wear  
TG: maybe some thin-frame glasses and a button up blouse  
TG: set you up with a desk and a chalkboard  
TG: all right class today well be learning us some quadrants so grab a practice partner  
TG: oh no it seems we have an odd number  
TG: don’t worry mr strider you can be my demonstration partner come on up to the front of the class  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has blocked turntechGodhead [TG]! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Black Flirtations**
> 
>   * Initiating strife
>   * Threat displays
>   * Displays of prowess (“look at how much better I am than you”) 
>   * General antagonizing
>   * Invading personal space of courted 
>     * invading their pile, however, is a huge taboo
>     * sometimes leaving their scent about within the courted’s territory 
>       * leaving items, rubbing against items in the territory
>       * some will go so far as to self-pail within their courted’s territory 
>         * and of course, the mess is left for the courted to clean up. Generally it’s a good idea to vacate the area before being caught, or it might be interpreted as a claim on the territory. 
>   * Giving gifts of courted’s preferred weaponry (less “given” and more “thoroughly scent marked and left within the courted’s territory”) 
>   * Exchanging insults/slights is common
>   * The only physical contact “allowed” is what naturally occurs through strife and whatnot
> 

> 
> **Assorted**
> 
>   * fending off potential suitors is common in all quadrants (and can be a form of courtship in itself)
>   * Staring into one’s eyes is seen as pretty aggressive (averting one’s eyes from such a stare down is a sign of weakness/acquiescence/submission)
> 



	3. Chapter 2

Tavros was still following John around like some sort of pathetically lost puppy. 

Granted, Karkat never actually _saw_ the troll in question skulking around the human – how could such a clumsy moron manage to be at all sneaky? – but he could smell it: the faintest hint of the brownblood clinging to John’s clothes and things. Never a marking scent, or one strong enough to be considered a claim. (With everyone stuffed together on this fucking meteor together and simmering in each other’s personal scents, they might as well all be in one huge fucking clusterfuck of a quadrant together. Made him want to scrape off all his flesh and burn all his possessions to think that he’d been marked, even if unwittingly and only barely, by no less than eleven trolls and four ugly pink things. _Bluh!_ He was glad the last dream bubble had been small, because after Meenah had teased him about it he’d just wanted to curl up in a hole and _die_.)

Inversely, the few times he’d bumped into Tavros the other troll had been _dripping_ in John’s scent. He’d been sneaking into the human’s territory, no doubt, and it made Karkat’s blood boil to think about it. The humans were so careless about their space; well, it was obvious _why_ : they were a squishy defenseless species that only really ever had to deal with other squishy defenseless things like themselves, they wouldn’t be prepared to defend their property against a _real_ threat, much less a stupid pitch-smitten _troll_. But the fact of the matter was that they were now outnumbered by a superior race, and its best they learn to defend their territory before they lose it. Not like anyone would really want it, granted. The four humans had gladly moved into a single, tiny hallway with its mere five blocks – one some sort of weird ablution chamber that had made Strider carry on about ‘high school locker rooms’ for longer than Karkat cared to listen – with not even a complaint. The closest thing to a strife that was had was when Egbert and Strider used some sort of hand gestures that had to do with rocks, paper, and scissors (humans are _weird_ ) over who got which of two blocks. 

Karkat could not for the life of him figure out how they didn’t just cull each other outright living right on top of each other like that. It was worse than Sollux’s hivestem! At least the trolls had a floor or two between each other in those!

Kanaya and Rose passed him as he moved down the hallway towards the alchemizer block, and the passing greeting from them both managed to disrupt his thoughts for the moment. He waved vaguely and kept moving, regardless.

“I wouldn’t want him to get hurt because of John’s lack of understanding.” Rose continued to Kanaya as soon as Karkat had gone past them.

“Yes. Perhaps it would be best then.” Kanaya sighed, but beneath it she sounded almost excited. Karkat glanced back at them briefly, considering finding out what they were talking about, but ultimately decided it was none of his business and also he didn’t really give a shit. He continued on his way without any further thought on it.

~

Tavros was growling under his breath. 

John could hear the growling, even though it was pretty quiet and Tavros wasn’t exactly next to him or anything. But he’d heard that growling a lot lately – and some other noises, too, but the growling was predominant. At first he’d thought that maybe he’d been misinformed, and maybe Tavros wasn’t as mild-mannered as everyone seemed to think. After all, ever since that day where Tavros and Karkat had gotten into that fight, the bull-horned troll had been lurking around the hallway that the humans had claimed, or flat out following John around and randomly attempting to strife with him. Karkat interfered if he was around to notice, and sometimes Kanaya would step in and take Tavros aside, but all that seemed to accomplish was to make the troll more persistent! 

The most frustrating part was that he couldn’t figure out what he’d done to make Tavros dislike him so much! He had tried to approach him and be friendly since this mess had all begun, but every time the troll would recoil from his olive branch as if he’d been waggling a Betty Crocker cake mix in his direction! Maybe that prank with the saran wrap on the doorway hadn’t been John’s best work, but Tavros didn’t have to get _that_ upset about it!

Uneasy, he shifted closer to Vriska and tried to focus on the card game that he had been teaching her. She looked up at him, looked at Tavros, and grinned, flashing more teeth than seemed strictly friendly. Having the male troll stalking him was starting to frazzle John’s nerves. 

Vriska leaned in, voice dropping to a whisper, “Woooooooow! Toreadork must have it pretty bad for _you_! Has he even made a move or is he just following you around like a laaaaaaaame little grub?” 

John pursed his lips in confusion at her. “What are you—“

The ever-present growling cut off suddenly enough that he was distracted, looking around to Tavros’s computer station to find Kanaya approaching. She was looking toward Tavros, a small frown on her face. The brownblood looked mildly suspicious, letting out a quiet growl, pitched differently from the one he’d been emitting in John’s direction. Kanaya stopped in her tracks, frown escalating into a glare; Tavros looked away, dismissive, only to turn back at the sharp almost-yip noise that she made as she took a step closer.

Vriska was snickering quietly in John’s ear. “Look out, here comes missus busybody meddler!”

Kanaya didn’t part her disapproving gaze from Tavros’s frowning, but her voice seemed calm enough as she requested, “John, Tavros, is there a chance I could speak with the both of you? Perhaps elsewhere in more private quarters.”

“Um. Yeah! Sure. What do you need?” John bounced to his feet, ignoring Vriska’s soft hiss. 

Tavros continued to look suspicious, but stood regardless, taking a step towards the jadeblood. She nodded approvingly and glanced once to John and beyond him, to Vriska, before turning and waving for them to follow. John came along quickly, with Tavros coming up behind him. The troll brushed past him to walk beside Kanaya, bumping their shoulders together roughly and subsequently knocking a horn against the back of John’s head. John yelped, glaring as the troll looked back with a small smirk. It was petty, but he picked up the pace to walk too close behind the brownblood, stepping on his heels hard enough to make him stumble and start growling again.

“Boys.” Kanaya’s sharp voice had them both jumping to attention. She afforded them both a slight frown of disapproval that made John want to whine _‘he started it.’_ He swallowed the complaint and moved to walk on the side opposite Tavros instead.

Leaning around the female, John frowned at Tavros, “What is your problem with me, anyway? I haven’t done anything to you!”

“That is the problem, idiot.” The male troll muttered under his breath. He seemed about to go on, but Kanaya interrupted him with a hand to the shoulder, making him jump a little.

“I think it would be best if it remained that way. Ah, here we are!” She opened a door and directed John in ahead.

Inside was the usual lot of nonsensical lab equipment, but near the center was a pile of junk – a lot of fabrics and bits of clothing, he noted, but there was something underneath that that gave it random odd angles. Piles were a troll thing, and he’d learned quickly that they were something the trolls were really touchy about, so he was careful to keep away from it, watching instead as the two trolls entered, the door shutting behind them. 

Tavros spotted the pile quickly, turning an interesting shade of brown as he shot Kanaya a nervous look. “Umm, isn’t this a little, uhh… fast? Kanaya?”

John blinked between the two, utterly lost. Even Kanaya looked a little green in the face. 

“If it is a step you are unwilling to take, I will certainly not force you. I merely had hoped to put everyone at ease.”

“We, uh, that is, John and I, don’t need an auspistice.” Tavros crossed his arms now, looking away from the pile and to John. “Right?”

Bewildered, John looked from one troll to the other. “What’s going on?”

Tavros’s growl reasserted itself, expression exasperated; Kanaya sighed and made a soft cooing noise, like a dove, until the other troll quieted somewhat. “As I informed you earlier, Tavros, the humans do not practice black romance, and so the only thing you are accomplishing is scaring the poor boy.” She turned next to John and, ever patient, explained, “I believe Karkat has mentioned it to you, but perhaps was somewhat… biased in his handling of the situation. Tavros hates you, in the sense that he would have you as his rival and kismesis, if you were to reciprocate his feelings. I do not presume to know what your feelings toward him are, but it has become exceedingly obvious, of late, that his courting is lost on you. Am I correct?” A thoughtful pause, and then she hesitantly added, “Do you recall what kismesissitude is?”

John nodded slowly. “It’s where they hate each other but still kiss.” His cheeks heated up and, to Tavros, he apologized, “Sorry I don’t like… uh, hate, you like that! I don’t actually hate you at all, but with how rude you’ve been, I don’t really like you either.”

Kanaya stifled a small laugh behind her hand at Tavros’s sour expression, and gestured at the pile. “Do you see? Now, if it is not too forward of me to ask, shall we retire to the pile for this discussion?”

Well, he’d been invited, and it did look comfortable! John took the last few steps to the pile and settled himself in, off to the side so the other two could join him. When the trolls didn’t immediately follow, John looked up, and was confused by their expressions. They looked at him as if he’d just stripped naked and made himself at home, geez! Despite being unsure what he should be embarrassed about, blood rushed to his face. “Sorry, I thought—“

Kanaya shook her head and moved to join him. “No, no you are fine.” She busied herself shifting around the items that he had displaced, offering him a reassuring smile when he looked worried. “I am just ensuring that the pile was not destabilized. It would not do to have it collapse under us. Tavros, will you be joining us?”

Tavros was still hesitating just inside the door. He startled a little at his name, then glanced away, rubbing at the back of his neck as he approached. John fidgeted, aware of the air of nervousness in the room but not sure why this was so embarrassing to the trolls.

“Now.” Kanaya waited for Tavros to settle in before sparing both boys a glance. She addressed John first, “Rose has explained to me that what a troll would view as a pitch advance might be misconstrued as platonically aggressive to you, and so I think it would be best to start out by assuring you that he does not mean to cause you any—“ a pause to glance at Tavros, “—any permanent or disfiguring damage to yourself, I should say.” At John’s incredulous look she sighed lightly. “Within a healthy kismesissitude, two trolls may get violent with each other, but every effort is made to not maim or kill their partner. The caliginous quadrant is a rivalry, where the trolls both strive to make their partner better and more worthy. So incapacitation would defeat the purpose.”

Biting his lip, John took a moment to digest the information before nodding slowly. “I didn’t… it’s not like I thought he was going to kill me! I just figured that he really didn’t like me! I mean I guess that’s the case but not that way.” He stopped, blinking and confused by his own words. 

In the absence of words, Tavros spoke up, looking sullen, “So he doesn’t hate me, like that, or at all really. What does this matter?”

Kanaya patted his arm, making a soft crooning noise that made him close his eyes and sigh. “It is good for him to be aware, so that he does not feel unnecessarily threatened.” More to John, she added, “That aside, what we are doing here – or, what I am proposing, and by no means should you feel obligated to accept – is auspisticism. Even if you were to decide that you were willing to enter into a kismesissitude with Tavros, I do not believe that it would result in a healthy relationship at this time. At least not until the both of you are aware of the numerous cultural differences and are better capable of handling them.”

John nodded, but Tavros was frowning, eyebrows drawn together. “He already, uh, said he doesn’t want to be my kismesis. So there’s nothing to, um, mediate here.”

“That is something you should have picked up for yourself when he began trying to avoid you and was not returning your flirtations. Since that didn’t stop you before, I now must step in to encourage you to cease your actions. The humans do not have a black quadrant, and subsequently do not understand our ways in relation to it. That is something else I hope to achieve within this auspisticism: ensuring John learns about this aspect of our culture, so that he does not run into a similar state of misunderstanding elsewhere.”

Tavros’s expression shifted to a brooding frown. “I think, that you are actually pale for him, and now maybe, you are trying to flip ashen. Because you think, you need to meddle in every argument you see.”

“No, that’s not—“ Kanaya sighed heavily, the sound underscored with a growling hiss. She squared her shoulders and frowned sharply at the other troll. “Tavros, I understand if you are not pleased with my intervention, or maybe you are just sulking because John does not return your black affections, but resorting to implications concerning my own promiscuity will not help. I am merely concerned that a culture clash will cause someone to be hurt.” The male troll crossed his arms, a low rumble deep in his own throat as he mumbled something that John didn’t quiet catch. Her hissing tapered off to that weird crooning noise, voice gentler as she responded, “I am told that there are aspects of kismesissitude that would cause the humans – John, in particular – discomfort were they not properly warned of them. As the humans are very group-oriented, harming John would cause the rest of them to turn against you as well.” She spared John an almost apologetic look. Tavros just looked accusatory.

Unnerved by the mood, John reached across to pat awkwardly at the other male’s shoulder. A slightly louder growl was his response, causing John to flinch, but he spoke anyway, “She’s just trying to help, Tavros! There’s nothing wrong with that, right?”

Tavros made a confused noise, growl cutting off abruptly, yellowed eyes widening. A brown blush spread across his greyed face like wildfire in a drought, a scandalized look close behind it. That was all John needed to see to know that he’d crossed some weird line again, and he nervously patted once more at Tavros’s shoulder, hunching his own shoulders a bit in confused shame. 

Kanaya laughed quietly after a beat, removing John’s hand from the male troll’s shirtsleeve. She pointedly moved his hand back to his own lap and released it there with a pat. “While I appreciate the sentiment, John, ashen etiquette and tradition dictates that it is generally my duty to administer all peacekeeping measures within this quadrant.”

“O-Oh… Sorry?” the human – though in this situation, he felt more like the alien – hazarded, still not wholly understanding what he’d done but sure that an apology was in order.

“Karkat was right. Humans are, uh, completely depraved.” Tavros was muttering to his lap, arms crossed over his chest.


	4. Two-Point-Five: Spades and Sensibilities

carcinoGeneticist [CG] started trolling turntechGodhead [TG]!

CG: I KNEW YOU HUMANS WERE LASCIVIOUS, BUT **REALLY**?   
CG: AUSPISTICING FOR YOUR AUSPISTICE AND CLUB-MATE?    
CG: ARE ALL OF YOU THAT KINKY OR IS IT JUST EGBERT?    
TG: what   
TG: oh yeah were all such kinksters   
TG: but egbert is the kinkiest   
TG: that’s why hes our leader you know   
TG: because he is the king of kink   
CG: UGH.    
CG: THERE IS NO WAY YOU ARE BEING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT.    
CG: DROP THE BULLSHIT FOR ONCE, DOUCHENOZZLE.    
TG: egbert is my bro man i dont really know what his kinks are and i really dont care to know   
TG: i dont really get why youre getting all wound up though   
TG: hes just backing up Kanaya    
TG: its called being a gentleman he was standing up for the lady   
TG: tavros was getting all wound up over nothing    
TG: probably just getting butthurt because egbert didnt want to be his hatepony   
TG: ridden hard and rough all night long   
TG: whoa there cowboy the 8 second buzzer went off a while ago let the lil bronc take a breather   
CG: NO SEE   
CG: MARYAM IS THE AUSPISTICE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.    
CG: MAKING EVERYONE COOL THEIR RESPECTIVE RUMBLE SPHERES IS HER SOLE RESPONSIBILITY HERE.    
TG: so what egbert and tavros are just supposed to sit back and surrender to her peacekeeping    
CG: IN A *PROPER* AUSPISTICE EGBERT AND NITRAM WOULD BE A POTENTIAL KISMESIS PAIRING THAT JUST AREN’T GOING TO WORK OUT FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER. SO KANAYA WOULD STEP IN AND KEEP THEM FROM GOING AT EACHOTHER’S THROATS AND SQUASH ANY PITCH LUST BETWEEN THEM.    
TG: so shes a professional cockblock is that what youre telling me   
TG: she is there for the express purpose of making sure everyone keeps their hands mouths and or respective genitalia to themselves   
CG: IF YOU WANT TO MAKE IT SOUND AS UNROMANTIC AND SIMPLE MINDED AS POSSIBLE THEN FINE, YES.    
TG: how would that even be romantic   
CG: THERE IS A WHOLE COURTING PROCESS INVOLVED! IT’S NOT LIKE YOU CAN JUST WALK UP BETWEEN ANY TWO TROLLS IN THE MIDDLE OF A LITTLE STRIFE AND DECLARE IT ASHEN.    
CG: THEY WOULD PROBABLY TAKE IT AS A PITCH FLIRTATION ON ONE OR BOTH OF THEM AND COMPETE TO SEE WHO CAN CAUSE THE MOST GRIEVOUS BODILY HARM TO YOU BEFORE YOU BEG FOR DEATH’S CLAMMY, COLD EMBRACE, AND THEN GLEEFULLY THROW A PAILING PARTY ON YOUR HEMORRHAGING FLESH SACK.    
TG: yeah i can totally see how that would get you guys swooning and dropping panties left and right   
TG: what with all the bleeding and death and whatnot   
TG: wait is that what you and nitram were doing   
TG: competing for egberts nubile young body   
CG: FUCK OFF. WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THIS MESS OF AN AUSPISTICISM RIGHT NOW. NOT ANY SORT OF INCORRECTLY PERCEIVED BLACK ADVANCES ON MY OR ANYONE’S PART.    
TG: the lady doth protest too much   
CG: WHAT?    
TG: not important   
TG: you just got done claiming that you cant just step in and lay down the law so what are all these strict courting procedures   
CG: WHAT.    
CG: YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT?    
CG: COME ON, YOU’D HAVE TO BE BLIND AND DEAF TO MISS THAT.    
CG: IT WAS COMPLETELY TEXTBOOK.    
CG: I ADMIT, THE PILE WAS PROBABLY PRETTY FORWARD. I MEAN, WOW, ON THE FIRST DATE EVEN. I DIDN’T REALIZE MARYAM WAS THAT KIND OF TROLL.    
CG: BUT SHE STEPPED IN AND GOT TAVROS TO BACK DOWN, MADE IT CLEAR WHY THIS KISMESISSITUDE WASN’T GOING TO WORK, OFFERED HER SERVICES AS A MEDIATOR.    
CG: NITRAM WAS BEING PRETTY AGGRESSIVE SO IT’S A GOOD THING SHE STEPPED IN. IF HE TRIED THAT SHIT WITH A TROLL THEY PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEAT HIS ASS PLATONICALLY.    
CG: PROBABLY GOT THAT FROM VRISKA, SHE WAS PRETTY PUSHY WHEN SHE WAS AIMING FOR HIS RED.    
TG: yeah man we don’t really do the ashen thing   
TG: i mean if a gal is getting beat on by her man or something like that is going down then yeah someone will step in   
TG: or if a guy thinks that foxy lady in the corner is hitting on him but his bros know shes a hooker maybe theyll come in and be like yeah man you can do better   
TG: or maybe not i mean that could be some pretty funny shit   
TG: be don’t make a federal fucking issue out of it you just go over and tell them to cut that shit out   
TG: and if they don’t then you make them   
TG: plain and simple   
CG: RIGHT. YOU HUMANS AND YOUR ONE QUADRANT.    
CG: STILL DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. WHO THE HELL DO YOU TRUST IF EVERYONE IS GOING AROUND PAPPING EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME?    
TG: you caught us we just bumble around touching every face we come across   
TG: every time someone gets betrayed it’s a huge surprise no one say it coming   
TG: “but he was just so touchy feely”    
TG: “sure he was a cruel bitch but he patted faces like a champ”    
TG: “who could have thought that hed been hunting for the plumpest face to eat???”    
CG: JUST STOP STRIDER. YOU’RE MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF.    
CG: IT WAS A LEGITIMATE QUESTION FROM A BEING OUTSIDE OF YOUR WEIRD AS FUCK LITTLE SPECIES.    
TG: its a mystery for the ages thats all im saying here   
CG: UGH.    
CG: FINE, WHATEVER. DON’T ANSWER ME. I DIDN’T REALLY CARE ANYWAY, CHUTEMUNCH. 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Grey**
> 
>   * Mediating a fight / requesting that the courted mediate a fight
>   * Requesting/offering advice on the courted’s blacker relations with another troll
>   * Many of the black courting gestures when the courtee is already in a kismesissitude 
>     * Can often lead to jealousy from existing kismesis and is what is colloquially known as a “dick move” 
>   * Patching up a troll after a fight 
>     * Can also be taken as pale
>     * Includes “mental patching”/cheering up 
>     * Touching, in relation to this process, is allowed
>   * See piling
> 

> 
> **Piling** (an excerpt)
> 
>   * Some auspistices will build a pile and sit their charges in it, or sit with them in it; usually this is a hastily put together pile with little rhyme or reason, and most often disassembled a short time later. 
>     * These piles are not built with comfort in mind. They’re meant as a neutral area that inspires openness and calmness, reflecting but not imposing upon a moirails’ pile.
>     * Generally piles are made of truly random items, but if the auspistice feels s/he needs to assert a measure of dominance, they might slip some of their own preferred items (e.g. Terezi’s scalemates, Gamzee’s horns, Kanaya’s fabrics, etc.) into it.
> 



	5. Chapter 3

“Joooooooohn! John are you in?” Vriska’s voice drifted in through the slightly ajar door of John’s room, directly after exactly eight raps on the door frame.

“It’s open!” he called back from his bed, hardly looking up from the game on his laptop. Something Dave had given him, who had in turn gotten it from Sollux. John wasn’t entirely sure when Dave and Sollux had started talking so much – especially since he hardly ever saw the four-horned troll himself! – but Dave assured him that Sollux was “pretty chill” and they seemed to get along all right, even if Dave did think the troll was kind of weird. 

The door creaked open just a little, enough that when John glanced up in confusion he caught a glimpse of one eye and a hooked horn. He set his computer aside and sat up. “You can come in, Vriska. What’s up?”

The troll bounded into the room like a dog breaking free from its leash, throwing the door against the wall with enough force that it rebounded shut again behind her. “Soooooooo? How did your date with Toreadork and Missus Fussyfangs go? I want aaaaaaaall the details, John, all of them!”

“Date?” John could feel heat prickling at his face, just a little. “Well it… I guess it went all right. I mean, I don’t really get how this auspistish thingy is supposed to go so.” Looking down at his shoes, he chewed on his lip a little. “I think Tavros was pretty upset about it though. Kanaya kept him in the pile when I left and said she needed to have a word with him alone.”

From the corner of his eye he noticed Vriska poking around at the things scattered on the floor, and he lifted his head to watch her, curious. Just as he opened his mouth to ask, she spun around on her heel, hands on her hips and an imperious frown on her face. “Where do you humans keep your piles? This just isn’t right with you lounging about on that… _couch_ of yours!” Her eyes swept over his bed once, an eyebrow cocked; he didn’t miss the blue tint to her ears, and that’s when he realized he had a girl in his room! And here he was, just sitting on his bed! So weird! 

Standing up, John went about collecting his laptop and moving it to his desk, trying to make it all look very casual. “It’s a _bed_. And anyway, we don’t go around piling our stuff up everywhere. Well, unless you count this mess!” With a little laugh, he turned back around to face her, sweeping an arm across his room to indicate the scattered clothes, movies, and the other assorted stuff that just seemed to accumulate on the floors of teenager’s bedrooms worldwide. Well, asteroid-wide, anyway. His room was still way neater than Dave’s room, though!

This made the troll pause, inspecting the paraphernalia of the floor carefully. Finally, she seemed to come to a decision and started fiddling with her sylladex. “Well, we’re going to do this the right way. And it just so happens that I have some materials with me! Come here, John, I’ll teach you how it’s done!” With that, she decaptchalogued a small stock of eight balls. Kneeling beside them, she started breaking them open and tossing the empty shells into a pile with the funny shaped dice inside them. John crept closer, nudging a stray die back toward the pile before he could step on it.

“Um. What?”

“We’re making a pile! Weren’t you listening at aaaaaaaall, John? Come on, get with the program!” Her eyes swept across the room again and, with a beleaguered sigh, added, “All right, I _guess_ your movies will work. So go get together a bunch of your movies and put them in the pile. It can’t be all my stuff, that’d just be unfair!”

“A-all right.” He moved to do as she ordered, gathering up scattered movies and even pulling a few out of his sylladex to add to the growing pile. “What do we need the pile for, anyway? I thought that was for the auspitishm thing.”

“It’s _auspisticism_ , John, get it right! Geeeeeeeez!” She rolled her eyes, polishing off breaking her eight balls and moving to shift around the things in the pile. “And piles are not just for the ashen quadrant, moirails use them a lot!” She turned and draped herself on half of the pile, grinning up at him. “Now come on, talking about all of that is booooooooring! We have more important things to discuss!”

John stared critically at the pile, and the sharp edges of the eight balls in particular. “How are you not cutting yourself all up on that? Here, get up, let me at least put something softer on top!” He turned away and headed back to his bed; sheets and pillows would have to do! When he came back she was standing aside, grinning broadly. She barely gave him time to settled the bedding on top before getting impatient and flopping into it again. He rolled his eyes good naturedly and joined her. “All right, what are these important things that needed a pile to be discussed?”

Vriska shifted around in the pile until her head was pillowed on his stomach, humming to herself. Once she’d settled, she chirped cheerily, “I hate to admit that Missus Fussyfangs was right because it’ll just encourage her to meddle so much more! But it’s a good thing she ashed up with you two, because you don’t need to be with a weaky weak troll like Tavros. You could do soooooooo much better!” 

“Well, it’s not like I hated him that way anyway.” John huffed; he was getting tired of repeating himself. Vriska took his hand and placed it on her own head, distracting him briefly. He ran his fingers through her wiry hair a bit before continuing, “Kanaya says… well, Rose told her, anyway… that since we don’t really have quadrants like you guys, we don’t have kismesis either! But she said something about we might have similar feelings or something, I don’t really know. But I don’t think I could hate someone like that anyway, so it doesn’t matter.”

Vriska was – oh wow – _purring_ as he kept running his fingers through her hair. Curious, he reached to touch one of her horns, the one shaped like a pincer. His fingers barely contacted the reddish band near the base before Vriska gasped and swatted his hand away. “ _John_! What kind of troll do you think I am? Keep your hands to yourself!” She giggled and reached up, barely tapping her fingertips against his temple before brushing them through his hair instead, almost like she’d changed her mind mid-motion.

“Sorry! Are they sensitive or something? I mean, Karkat got pretty angry when I tried to touch his horns that one time, but I figured it was just because it’s Karkat and he’s kind of a grouch!” He bit his lip, laughing a little at the memory. At least she didn’t seem mad, just surprised, so it must not be all that bad!

She blinked up at him, eyebrows raised. “You went after Karkat’s horns too? Woooooooow, John, I guess I really do have to teach you a thing or two! First off, you don’t touch a troll’s horns without asking, that’s just rude! In fact, you don’t even ask something like that. Just don’t.” After a pause, she turned away, settling her head back on his stomach. Crossing her arms across her chest, she added, “But since you’re soooooooo curious, I guess you can touch my horns some. But not right now, because you’ll distract me!”

“Why? What’s the big deal?” His eyes widened a little, feeling his ears heat up. “A-Are horns like, some kind of troll private parts?”

Vriska was quiet for a beat before she broke out laughing, “Don’t worry, little pupa, _mine_ aren’t _that_ sensitive! But it’s still a big deal, so you don’t just go around grabbing everyone’s horns. Since we’re moirails now it’s ok though.”

“O-Oh, ok, I guess that’s— wait we’re what now?” Vriska was fun to hang around but sometimes she was just so confusing!

“Geeeeeez, John, you’re so slow! We’ve obviously been oozing pale all over each other for _forever_ now! We might as well make it official already!” She tilted her head his way, grinning. “We’ll be the best moirails on this whole meteor, and everyone else will be soooooooo jealous!”

Eyebrows drawn together, he asked slowly, “Which one is moirails again?”

“ _Joooooooohn,_ really? Moirails are the ones that take care of each other! You can tell me everything and I’ll make it aaaaaaaall better for you!” She rolled her eyes, good naturedly elbowing him in the side.

He took a minute to think it over, going back to petting her hair as he did. After a moment he finally grinned back at her. “So we’ll be like, best buddies. And if you say it’s what we’ve been doing anyway, then it couldn’t hurt anything. All right, let’s try this moirails thing!”

Vriska laughed brightly and rolled on her side, reaching up to pet John’s face with a giggle. “Then it’s official! Which reminds me, I brought you something!”

Pushing up on his elbows a little, he looked down as she pulled another eight ball out of her sylladex and smashed it open. Inside was… well, he wasn’t entirely sure what it was. It sort of looked like a muffin, if he was honest. With… maybe some kind of colorful candy in it? Vriska held it out to him, looking rather proud of herself. “I figured out how to alchemize these! They were one of my favorite foods on Alternia. So I brought you one! You’ll love it, go on!”

“What is it?” He took the preoffered muffin. It looked normal enough, not like those weird octopus-sandwiches with the bug-sauce Karkat was always eating. Though those colorful things looked a little suspicious. 

“It’s a grubcake!” she chirped, pushing it towards him. “Go oooooooon, try it already! I went to all the trouble of alchemizing it for you!”

With a little hesitation, he nibbled at the edge, avoiding the colorful bits. It _did_ taste pretty sweet. Emboldened, he took a bigger bite off the top – the top is always the best part of a muffin – and chewed thoughtfully, savoring the sweet breading. He found one of the colorful bits and bit through the crunchy shell to taste… _oh god what is that_?! It was like a terrible combo of blood and spoiled milk and a strong dose of sour, and John tried to quickly swallow everything in his mouth, just to get it off his tongue. 

Almost immediately, his stomach rejected it and he pushed Vriska aside so he could scramble up right. He decaptchalogued one of his pranking buckets between his knees and emptied his stomach into it.

Once his stomach settled, John looked up at Vriska guiltily, wiping his face on the edge of his sleeve. He expected her to look offended, or maybe upset that her food had made him sick, but she just had her mouth open slightly, gaping in horrified disgust. John winced, coughing a little, “Sorry, but that was pretty disgusting! You really like those?”

She averted her eyes from him and hissed quietly, as if someone would overhear, “John, why do you have a _bucket_ in our pile?! Why do you have one at all?” She looked to the door, quieting as if she was expecting someone to walk through it, then brought a hand to her lips, eyebrows raised. “Oh! Do you have a daaaaaaaate? Red or Black? Come on, we’re moirails now, so you’re supposed to tell me all of this!” She bounced up onto her knees, a hand on his face keeping him from looking away.

John opened his mouth to respond – to _deny_ , because this was just for pranks, not some weird troll thing! – but didn’t get the chance to even begin before the door burst open. Karkat stood in the doorway, looking ready to storm a military base as he snapped, “Vriska, I swear to god, if you’re going black for—“ The troll cut off mid-sentence, lips still parted as he finally took in the scene. John caught a glimpse of the red sweeping across Karkat’s greyed face before the troll executed a perfect 2x facepalm combo. “God fucking damnit haven’t you nooksniffers ever heard of locking a fucking door?! What are you even doing?! I’d expect this sort of quadrant clusterfuckery from Egbert but _have you no shame, Serket?_ I’m feeling enough shame for all three of us, and all I did was stumble on this—this— _whatever the flying fornication is going on here._ ” He split his fingers to glare and immediately covered his face again, shouting, “ _WHY DO YOU STILL HAVE THAT OUT?!_ ”

John promptly stuffed the bucket back into his sylladex, laughing nervously. Karkat dropped his hands long enough to turn stiffly around and stalk back out of the room, growling more to himself, “Didn’t expect to be interrupting anything, _fuck_.” The door was slammed shut behind him.

John managed to stutter out a “It’s not how it looks! I think!” but was far too late, and Karkat probably wouldn’t have heard him over Vriska’s laughter anyway.


	6. Three-Point-Five: The Pale Pimp

turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]!  
TG: whats the deal with the buckets anyway  
CG: I  
CG: DAMNIT, STRIDER! WE’RE SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT PALE HERE, AND BUCKETS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT! GET WITH THE PROGRAM.   
TG: pale pail all sounds the same to me  
TG: and anyway fuck the script I wanna know what it is about you trolls and your bucket fetish  
CG: NO, I WILL NOT FUCK THE SCRIPT. THE SCRIPT IS GETTING NO ACTION. NONE. THE SCRIPT IS GETTING SO LITTLE FUCKING THAT KANKRI LOOKS DOWNRIGHT PROMISCUOUS BY COMPARISON.   
TG: its pretty obvious that they have something to do with getting it on  
TG: what im not getting is what part the bucket plays  
TG: i mean what do you just hump the bucket  
TG: is this even a team sport or do you each get your own bucket and you just kinda stare lustfully at each other  
TG: are they all just regular buckets or so some of them have three speeds and glow in the dark  
TG: ribbed for her pleasure  
TG: now with complimentary cherry flavored lube  
CG: OH MY FUCKING HRRORTERRORS, WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP ALREADY??? I AM NOT GOING TO TEACH YOU THE FEATHERBEASTS AND THE BUZZBEASTS. NOT NOW, NOT EVER.   
TG: you seem like the kinda guy that would have his bucket bedazzled  
TG: its always the shy ones that are the freakiest  
CG: I DO NOT HAVE A BEDAZZLED BUCKET, IT IS A PERFECTLY FUNCTIONAL, STANDARD GREY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. NOW CAN WE *PLEASE* TALK ABOUT THE PALE QUADRANT???   
TG: sure i guess dont blow a gasket  
TG: wouldnt want to offend your delicate sensibilities  
TG: so whats up with all the piles of shit you guys like to leave around  
CG: IT’S A WEIRD GENETIC PREDISPOSITION OR SOMETHING. SUPPOSEDLY TAKES A TROLL BACK TO THE SAFETY OF HIS COCOON IF HE SURROUNDS HIMSELF IN COMFORT OBJECTS AND HIS OWN SCENT. OR SOMETHING I GUESS. IF YOU WANT THE SCIENCE OF IT YOU’D HAVE TO ASK MARYAM.   
CG: YOUR MOIRAIL IS SOMEONE YOU CAN TRUST TO NOT RIP YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE OUT THROUGH YOUR WASTE CHUTE IF THEY GET CLOSE ENOUGH, AND THEY’RE AROUND TO MAKE SURE YOU DON’T GO OFF THE DEEP END AND DO SOMETHING STUPID. SO THEIR SCENT HAS A KIND OF SIMILAR EFFECT.   
CG: SO PALEMATES USUALLY BUILD A JOINT PILE COMBINING BOTH OF THEIR COMFORT OBJECTS AND MINGLING THEIR SCENTS.   
TG: so you join hands and throw some shit together then roll around in it together until you achieve some sort of scent induced zen  
TG: that’s it  
TG: that’s the whole pale thing  
CG: NO, SHITSTAIN, THAT’S **NOT** IT. PALEMATES ARE THERE TO HELP KEEP EACH OTHER SANE. THEY HAVE FEELINGS JAMS THAT HELP A TROLL TO STRAIGHTEN OUT HIS OTHER QUADRANTS AND ANY OTHER TROUBLES HE MAY HAVE. IF ONE TROLL GETS SICK OR HURT, THEIR PARTNER TAKES CARE OF THEM. IF THERE’S A HIGHBLOOD INVOLVED, THEIR PARTNER HELPS SHOOSHPAP THEIR HIGHBLOOD PSYCHOSIS INTO SUBMISSION AND KEEP THEM FROM GOING AROUND MESSILY CULLING EVERY TROLL THAT CROSSES THEIR PATH.   
TG: so thats what youre always doing with your clown boyfriend  
TG: talking about feelings and cuddling in a pile of horns and shit  
TG: im gonna be honest im having a hard time picturing you two getting all snuggly  
TG: let me guess hes the big spoon  
CG: HOW ABOUT YOU STOP TRYING TO CAST ME IN YOUR MENTAL PORNOGRAPHY, THANKS.   
TG: all right princess anything else you think i need to be schooled on  
CG: NO, I THINK THAT’S PRETTY MUCH IT.   
TG: great  
TG: one more question for you though  
TG: is pale masturbation a thing  
TG: self-pale-love  
TG: self-papping  
TG: self-pale-ing  
TG: shamefully hidden away in your room  
TG: lusus voice in your head "youll go deaf if you spend so much time touching your face"  
TG: but you cant help it it feels so good  
TG: maybe imagining your crazy clown the whole time  
TG: sometimes you spice it up a little  
TG: kinky pale three way  
TG: shooshpaps for all  
TG: sometimes you wants it a little rougher  
TG: paps leave little red marks  
TG: but your fantasy pale partner soothes them away  
TG: "no no shh don't cry"  
TG: "i pap you hard because i love you"  
TG: "this hurts me more than it hurts you"  
TG: "but youve been a very bad troll"  
TG: "all yelling and screaming and being a rude lil shit"  
CG: ARE YOU DONE.   
TG: i could go on  
CG: DON’T.   
TG: you sure  
CG: I AM EXTREMELY FUCKING SURE.   
CG: PLEASE JUST TELL ME YOU’RE NOT TRYING TO INSINUATE THAT THAT’S A THING I DO.   
TG: im not insinuating that that’s a thing you do  
TG: much  
TG: but hypothetically speaking  
TG: is that a thing you do???   
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]!  
TG: okay ill leave you alone with your hand then  
TG: didnt mean to get you all hot and bothered  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has blocked turntechGodhead [TG]!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Pale Flirtations**
> 
>   * Creating a pile of items the courted may enjoy, mingled with own items
>   * Lounging in the courted’s existing pile 
>     * Esp. adding things to the pile
>     * Can also be seen as aggressive or a red advance, dependent on how one goes about it, so tread carefully
>   * Offering food, ablutions, piling supplies
>   * Offering advice/assistance; asking for advice/assistance 
>   * Allowing courted into their territory/space 
>     * Displays of throat, submission common
>   * Touching of face/arms/neutral areas; touching horns is allowed, but is very intimate. 
> 

> 
> **Piling Protocol**
> 
>   * Every troll has a pile made up of items they prefer/find comforting, used primarily for lounging on & napping 
>     * Location varies – some will hide away their piles in their respiteblock and jealously guard them (making some red courtship gestures nearly impossible, and encouraging some black gestures), while others will build them in the more “public” areas of their hive (such as an entertainment block) and though they are still off-limits, not as well guarded. 
>   * Moirails will sometimes build a joint pile to share. More commonly, they will swap piling materials and use whichever pile is handy when the mood strikes. 
>     * In the event of a lost/culled moirail, the surviving troll will harvest the lost partner’s pile and add it to their own; the additions stay even if they find a new moirail
>   * Matesprits will occasionally lounge/cuddle in a pile together, but do not exchange materials. Pailing is never done in or near a pile. (Occasionally a particularly passionate kismesis will pin their partner into the submissive’s pile and initiate sloppy makeouts, and/or pail them nearby, but still never in the pile)
> 

> 
> **Horns**
> 
>   * They’re like a deer or cow’s horns: the troll can’t actually feel anything on the horn itself. (Other than vibrations and, in varying degrees, can sort-of sense psychic powers and/or electromagnetic fields.) 
>   * The scalp right around the base, however, is sensitive. Sensitivity varies (larger horns are generally not as sensitive) from troll to troll: where one might find it a huge erogenous zone, another may only get a vaguely soothing sensation. 
>     * Regardless of the troll, injury to this area hurts like a bitch though. Injure the spot bad enough and it’ll leave a mark on the horn itself as it grows.
>   * Kismeses might occasionally headbutt or spar with their horns; matesprits commonly bump their horns together while cuddling, or occasionally stroke the bases (especially if one partner is particularly sensitive). Palemates vary widely: some think that horn touching is too “red” and won’t have it in their pale quadrant, others will allow stroking and/or bumping horns. 
> 



	7. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M EXTREMELY SUPER SORRY FOR THE LONG UNANNOUNCED HIATUS. D:  
> Basically, life happened. And a lot of work. :/ And now AO3 is being really glitchy on me so.  
> But the next chapter might be a little while but hopefully will not take as long as this one.
> 
> As always, thanks tons to my lovely beta, TrombonesOnMars.

twinArmageddons [TA] has started trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]!  
TA: hey kk  
TA: kk  
TA: kk ii know youre there 2top iignoriing me  
CG: OH MY NOOKFESTERING FUCK CAPTOR, CALM YOUR RUMBLE SPHERES. DESPITE WHAT YOU MAY BELIEVE NOT EVERYONE IS JUST SITTING AT THEIR HUSKTOP ALL DAY AND NIGHT WAITING TO PUT UP WITH YOUR NEEDY HOOFBEAST SHIT. SOME TROLLS ACTUALLY HAVE THINGS TO DO THAT ARE NOT FONDLING THEMSELVES TO THE VERY THOUGHT OF BEING ACKNOWLEDGED BY SOME SCRAWNY LITTLE BULGELICKER WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH HIS TIME.   
TA: oh gee iim 2orry diid ii iinterrupt your moviie that youve watched a miilliion tiime2 already  
TA: or maybe you were bu2y admiiriing the ciieliing  
TA: ha2 the number of ciieliing tiile2 changed over the la2t periigree2  
CG: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT CAPTOR.   
TA: ii thought you were bu2y  
CG: YOU'RE JUST GOING TO KEEP BOTHERING ME REGARDLESS OF IF I AM OR AM NOT ACTUALLY ENGAGED IN ANYTHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR WIGGLERISH PROBLEMS SO I MIGHT AS WELL LET YOU GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM ALREADY.   
CG: WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT.   
TA: 2o what moviie were you watching  
CG: I AM NOT PAN ROTTED ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THAT YOU TROLLED ME TO TALK ABOUT MOVIES SO JUST SPIT OUT WHATEVER IT IS THAT IS SO FUCKING IMPORTANT THAT IT SIMPLY COULDN'T WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE.   
TA: ehehe iit2 one of the paiiliing one2 ii2nt iit  
CG: BZZT TIME'S UP FUCKER.   
carcinoGeneticist [CG]  has blocked twinArmageddons  [TA]!   
carcinoGeneticist [CG]  has unblocked twinArmageddons  [TA]!   
carcinoGeneticist [CG]  has blocked twinArmageddons  [TA]!   
carcinoGeneticist [CG]  has unblocked twinArmageddons  [TA]!   
TA: ii dont know why you even bother blockiing me anymore  
CG: AFLKLAKDFHL  
CG: MAYBE BECAUSE TALKING TO SUCH AN INSUFFERABLE PRICK MAKES ME FUCKING NAUSEOUS!   
TA: ii ju2t had a que2tiion kk geez dont get your pantiie2 iin a wad  
CG: THEN FUCKING ASK IT ALREADY!   
TA: uh  
TA: ok ju2t giimme two miinute2  
TA: completely hypothetiically 2peakiing  
TA: what would be a good giift for 2omeone  
CG: .... OK YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION.   
CG: WHO ARE YOU GIVING THIS HYPOTHETICAL GIFT TO AND WHY?   
CG: HYPOTHETICALLY, OF COURSE.   
TA: no one you know  
CG: UNLESS YOU'RE ROMANCING THE VOICES IN YOUR PAN I'M PRETTY FUCKING SURE I KNOW THEM CAPTOR.   
TA: oh my god iim not romanciing anyone ok ii wa2 ju2t curiiou2  
TA: iif you're not goiing to an2wer then iill ju2t leave you two your moviie  
CG: I KNOW THAT BASIC INTERACTION BETWEEN ONE TROLL AND ANOTHER MIGHT BE A BIT BEYOND A SOCIALLY INEPT SHUT IN LIKE YOURSELF BUT TRY TO USE SOME BASIC FUCKING COMMON SENSE HERE. YOU CAN’T JUST THROW ANY OLD THING AT SOMEONE AND CALL IT A DECENT GIFT, IT HAS TO ACTUALLY *MEAN* SOMETHING OR ELSE IT’S JUST MORE USELESS HOOFBEAST OFFAL!   
CG: AND BESIDES THAT YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD ME WHAT THE OCCASION IS! HAS SOMEONE DECIDED IT'S TWELFTH PERIGREE'S EVE? A HYPOTHETICAL SOMEONE'S WRIGGLING DAY?   
TA: ii dont know ii gue22 how about matespriit2  
CG: SO IT'S A GIFT FOR SOMEONE THAT YOU FLUSH.   
TA: ii don't flu2h anyone iit2 ju2t a hypothetical 2iituatiion  
CG: RIGHT. WELL. **HYPOTHETICALLY** IF A TROLL FLUSHED ANOTHER TROLL THEY WOULD GIFT THEM WITH SOMETHING THEY LIKE. IN THE MOVIE I WAS WATCHING UNTIL SOMEONE SO RUDELY INTERRUPTED ME WITH HIS COMPLETELY FAKE AND NOT AT ALL REAL ROMANTIC ISSUES, THE LEADING HIGHBLOOD ANONYMOUSLY GIFTED THE LOWBLOOD FLUSH-INTEREST WITH A SERIES OF INCREASINGLY LAVISH TOKENS TO SHOW HIS DEVOTION TO HER WITHOUT REVEALING HIS IDENTITY.   
TA: that2 2tupiid why wouldnt he want her two know iit was hiim  
CG: BECAUSE SHE HAD A REALLY BIG GRUDGE AGAINST HIGHBLOODS AND HE DIDN’T WANT TO BE SHOT DOWN RIGHT AWAY. HE HAD TO WIN HER BLOODPUSHER FIRST AND TEST THE WATERS A BIT. YOU WOULD HAVE TO WATCH THE MOVIE. THATS IRRELEVANT THOUGH. POINT IS, HE FOUND OUT WHAT SHE LIKED AND NEEDED AND THEN GAVE HER THAT KIND OF THING. SHE HAS A SWEET TOOTH SO HE HAD A BASKET OF FANCY SUGARED CONFECTIONS DECORATED WITH HER SIGN DELIVERED TO HER HIVE. HE GAVE HER HIGHBLOOD-QUALITY CLOTHES TO REPLACE SOME OF HER OWN WHICH SHE HAD DAMAGED.   
TA: ii2nt that kiind of  
TA: pale  
CG: HE DIDN'T BUILD HER A PILE AND PATCH UP ALL HER SCRATCHES, NOOKWHIFFER. BUT YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR MATESPRIT JUST LIKE YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE YOUR KISMESIS DOESN'T DIE.   
TA: yeah ok ii gue22  
TA: 2o iin your moviie doe2 the hiighblood fiinally reveal hiim2elf and then get turned down or what  
CG: ...   
CG: NO, BY THAT TIME SHE'S FALLEN DEEPLY IN PITY WITH HIM AND ACCEPTS HIM REGARDLESS OF HIS BLOOD COLOR.   
TA: 2ound2 pretty chee2y you 2ure iit2 not one of your paiiliing moviie2  
carcinoGeneticist [CG]  has blocked twinArmageddons  [TA]!   


~  


It had started with small things, like a necklace with his godtier symbol on it, nestled in a small box and left in front of his door. John hadn’t really thought anything of it. Next there were two t-shirts, one with the Breath symbol and the other with the slime ghost picture of his usual shirt but in bright blue. He did a little digging, but no one would confess to leaving the presents for him. The final gift was some kind of… bug. At first he’d thought it was some kind of weird dead thing – it was fat and squishy – until he realized that it looked like some of the handheld devices he’d seen the trolls using. On closer inspection, there was a screen and some buttons, and a port at the bottom. Deeper in the box he found a couple… colorful maggot things. John made a face at the whole thing and packed it back up.  


Box tucked under his arm, John headed for the communal area. That’s where most of the meteor’s occupants spent their time. He spotted Karkat first, curled into one of the beanbag chairs someone had alchemized and reading a novel at least as thick as his arm.  


“Karkat, what’s this?” John plunked the box down right in front of the troll and stood over him, hands on hips.  


Karkat’s gaze flickered up to meet John’s gaze over the top of the book, then back down to look at the box. With an air of indifference, he turned back to reading. “It’s a box, Egbert. I thought you were brighter than that, but it seems you’ve proven me wrong.”  


John rolled his eyes. “No, Karkat, I mean what is the thing _in_ the box? And why was it in front of my door? Someone keeps leaving me things, which is pretty nice of them I guess, but this is a weird troll thing and I don’t get it!”  


Something in that got the troll’s attention and he lowered his book, tucking a bookmark in to keep his place as he heaved a sigh. John pushed the box closer with his foot, and Karkat leaned over to peer inside. When Karkat didn’t immediately scoff and chastise him for not knowing what the thing was, John wondered if maybe _he_ didn’t know either. But finally Karkat sat back with a snort and a tiny smirk. The troll raised his eyes to John’s face slowly, as if sizing him up, before finally replying, “You should go ask Captor.” With a shooing motion and a soft hum, John was summarily dismissed.  


John huffed at him, but took up his box and went to do as told. Which is easier said than done: Sollux wasn’t one of the most social beings on the meteor. He wasn’t even entirely sure where the troll holed up! But chances were good that Karkat wouldn’t tell him, so he did the next best thing:  


ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering twinArmageddons [TA]!   
EB: hey are you there?   
EB: i have a question and karkat says i should ask you  
TA: what ii2 iit?   
EB: i found this box of stuff by my room but i don’t know what it is or where it came from!   
EB: i think karkat knows what it is but he won’t tell me and just said to ask you.   
EB: oh gosh, i hope it’s not something embarrassing!   
EB: um. are you still there?   


There was a long pause, and John worried for a moment that the troll had wandered off. He was about to type another message when one popped up.  


TA: iit2 a handheld gaming deviice. ii wa2nt u2iing iit 2o ii thought youd like iit.   
EB: wait, does this mean you’re the one that’s been leaving stuff at my door all this time?   


Another long pause, but this time he took it for hesitation. He’d barely seen Sollux for himself in the time that he’d been on the meteor, but he knew _about_ the troll. Mostly that he was some kind of technology wizard and kind of socially awkward. But Dave had said that he wasn’t crazy or anything. Maybe this was just Sollux trying to make friends!  


EB: I’ve been trying to find out who was leaving things, because i wanted to thank them in person.   
EB: whoever it is.   
EB: but thank you for the game device! i’m not really sure how it works though so do you think you could show me?   
EB: i guess i could ask karkat if youre too busy.   


He’d hardly sent the message before Sollux’s response popped up.  


TA: no waiit  
TA: ii mean  
TA: you dont want kk2 help he 2uck2 at game2   
TA: iif you want to actually wiin any of them then iim 2iimply the be2t there ii2  
EB: so you’ll teach me? great!   
EB: can i come over to your room? are you busy right now?   


John was starting to think that long pauses were a thing with Sollux. He leaned back in his chair and fiddled with the end of his hoodie, waiting. Sollux seemed like a pretty private person, he realized belatedly. Maybe he wouldn’t want other people in his room?  


EB: or you could come over here i guess? But vriska’s stuff takes up a lot of room so it’s pretty messy!   
TA: what  
TA: vk?   
TA: 2hiit 2iince when  
EB: ???   
TA: never miind  
TA: iill troll you later and you can come over here  
\-- twinArmageddons [TA] is an idle troll! –  
EB: all right! i’ll see you then!   


Grinning, John closed the chat window. As an afterthought, he decided to head to the alchemizing room. This might require some _supplies_.  


~  


“Fuck!” Sollux dropped his head heavily against the keyboard. With a groan that didn’t even come close to adequately expressing his present state of self-loathing, he turned his head, cheek remaining pressed to the keyboard as he brought a hand up to scrub at his face.  


This was a mistake. Possibly the biggest mistake ever. The wisest decision right now would be to sit up, delete the stream of key-smashing that’s probably littering the screen right now _(oh god, I didn’t_ send _it did I?)_ , and back out with as much grace and dignity as he had left to muster.  


Aaaany minute now.  


Sollux banged his head on the keyboard again for good measure before pushing away from the desk. He staunchly refused to look at the screen; if he didn’t look, his little freak out didn’t happen.  


Unfortunately that forced him to look at the mess that was his room: computers and their parts frozen in a perpetual state of construction, abandoned projects, scattered liberally amongst game grubs and clothing in equal parts. Tucked near his pile was a nauseatingly colored plush bee Aradia had given him while they were still pale; he didn’t know what they were now, but he held onto the plush regardless, kept it in a limbo between being a relic of their palest pity and just another sentimental wigglerhood object. It was a bit embarrassing, really. He should probably hide it before John shows up.  


That thought reeled his mind back into the bottomless pit of nerves he’d created especially for this occasion. John was coming _here. John._ In _Sollux’s_ territory. Everyone had practically been sleeping on top of each other in this accursed meteor – Karkat’s turf was like the long-lost pale-mate to Sollux’s, they were so snug, and crowded up on the other side was _Eridan_ of all people; there wasn’t any buffering room between the hugely condensed properties, a troll could hardly stretch his legs without invading four or five borders, even the “public” spaces were completely hemmed in by various troll’s territories. Eridan and Sollux regularly fought over the ablution block that both and neither of them had managed to completely claim as their own.  


John coming to Sollux’s block should be nothing, not a big deal at all, Karkat stuck his sniff node in here all the time to harass him into eating or sleeping or whatever else anyway, it wasn’t _that_ different.  


Except John was _invited,_ Sollux had _asked_ him to come. And John was just... With Feferi and Aradia he wanted to take care of them and be taken care of and that had always been pretty weird but with John he just wanted to curl up next to him and play video games for hours and touch and maybe he could talk John into taking his shirt off and practicing with his hammer again like that one time.... _no no no think of something else anything else don't think about that_  


John was just the most beautifully pitiful being Sollux had ever laid eyes on, and if Sollux had his way he would be laying much more than _eyes_ on that boy. That was all there was to it.  


_What would he even see in me, this is going to be such a disaster, what was I thinking?_  


_All right Captor, just calm the fuck down._ Sollux squared his shoulders and inhaled, then exhaled slowly. (He decided not to wonder why his mental voice sounded suspiciously Karkatian.) First things first… probably pick up some of this crap. Wait, would it be too forward to invite John into the respiteblock? He almost turned back to his husktop to message Karkat and find out before thinking better of it; Karkat would just taunt him and then spend the next several hours lecturing him, and anyway it’s not like there was anywhere better to meet with John, the rest of Sollux’s blocks were all storage or empty.  


(Except maybe the common room.)  


(But what if someone else comes in?)  


Sollux shoved himself to his feet, perhaps a bit more forcefully than he intended to. There was no backing out now. Didn’t Karkat say something about John’s respiteblock being weirdly neat? Or was it Jade’s? Whatever. They were like, ecto-clones or some other weird human quadrant. If one of them liked cleanliness then maybe both of them did, and he didn’t want John to think he was some kind of messy shut in. Time to pick up some of this shit.  


_(oh man gross, are those chips growing hair?)_  


~  


John fidgeted in the hallway, glancing at the door in front of him. Through it, he heard shuffling and a muffled curse as Sollux did whatever he was doing in there. John had come almost as soon as he’d been messaged, but apparently the troll hadn’t been quite ready.  


“Sollux?”  


“I— _fucking hell_ – just hang on!” more shuffling, and John was pretty sure he heard something break.  


“What are you _doing_?” and after a pause, “Do… Do you need help?”  


The sounds in the room silenced abruptly. John tugged at the hem of his shirt – the one Sollux had _totally not_ given him, with the breath symbol – and shifted the box of troll games to his other hip. From within the room, something clattered loudly and was followed by another startled curse.  


John pushed the door open cautiously, calling, “Hey, are you ok in here, it sounded like—“ He stopped mid-sentence, blinking at the troll. A mess of computer parts and clothes and more of that weird bug technology the trolls like and a few unnamable things cascaded from within some kind of closet, spread out in an ankle deep pile around Sollux’s feet.  


The troll blinked at him, raising a hand to rub at his neck awkwardly. “Um. Hi.”  


“Hi. Do you need help?” John raised an eyebrow at the wreckage.  


Sollux’s mouth opened in a perfect ‘o’ for a split second, eyebrows raised, before he slapped a hand over the lower half of his face and muttered something into it. Having apparently managed to school his reaction, he floated up and out of the mess, landing on the cleaner floor space closer to John. “No, I… its fine. Sorry.” He looked kind of sheepish and cast helplessly about the room as if looking for something.  


“Were you cleaning?” John eyed the piles of junk skeptically.  


“Here, let’s just sit here.” Sollux ignored the question and directed attention to the couch instead. John gave up and headed couch-wards, claiming a seat to one side and plopping the box in the middle for easy access. Sollux halfheartedly kicked a stray mouse back into the avalanche of stuff and wandered over to claim the leftover seat. Both boys fell silent, John staring at Sollux and Sollux staring at the floor.  


“So uh...” “I brought the games!”  


Sollux hunched his shoulders, flushing a dull yellow. “Right, yeah. Games. Give it here.” He thrust out a hand without looking up.  


John had already started pulling the bug-game-system out of the box, but now he held it against his chest, frowning. “Is something wrong? You’re acting pretty weird!”  


The troll hissed quietly, glaring. “No, I’m fine. Everything is fine. Give me the game so I can show you how it works.” John scrunched up his nose, about to retort that _you’re obviously not fine,_ but Sollux recanted on his own, running his hands through his hair. “Sorry, I just... it’s weird ok, no one ever comes in here and I just, uh.... can we get back to the game now, _please_?”  


John opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again, questioning incredulously, “ _No one_?” The troll looked away again, crossing his arms defensively. “But I never see you around the common areas much either so-- you just sit in here _alone, all the time?!_ ” Gaping at Sollux, John’s mind whirled around the concept. Abruptly he jumped up on his knees, arms braced on the sides of the box so he could lean closer to the other boy. Sollux looked up, startled. “You wait right here. I’m going to go get some of my games too, and we are going to sit here and play games together _all night_ and maybe even all day tomorrow! And then a whole bunch after that because sitting in here by yourself is shitty and as your co-friendleader I can’t let that continue!”  


Before Sollux could form a response John had smothered him in a crushing hug and was out the door with a gust of strong wind.


	8. Chapter Four-Point-Five: The Red Badge of Matespritship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, would you look at that! I do, in fact, still live!  
> I'm so sorry about the long delay. orz
> 
> The good news is, I have the next chapter about ~halfway done! So expect it soonish.  
> Sorry again. And do enjoy!
> 
> (Special thank you to everyone who has left comments -- rereading those has been one of the major motivators to put me back on writing this.)

turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]!   
TG: all right lets get this over with  
TG: come on doctor romance dazzle us with your incredibly vast knowledge of what the fuck were working with here  
TG: seems pretty cut and dry to me but who am i kidding its never that simple with you trolls  
CG: ACTUALLY, OUR FLUSHED COURTING REALLY ISN’T THAT DIFFERENT.   
TG: oh man  
TG: dont tell me  
TG: you seriously researched how to woo a human  
TG: sat up late at night pouring over every wikihow you could find  
TG: “how to make that special boy love you”   
TG: “step one: smile!”   
TG: heres a hint you need to practice step one  
TG: that frown of yours isnt bringing any of the boys to your yard  
CG: WHY WOULD I WANT A BUNCH OF BOYS IN MY LAWNRING?   
CG: AND HOW WOULD FLASHING MY FANGS AT THEM MAKE THEM GATHER THERE?   
CG: MAYBE SHOWING OFF YOUR USELESS TEETH TO OTHER HUMANS GARNERS YOU ENOUGH PITY TO BLOSSOM INTO A PASSIONATE ROMANCE BUT TROLLS HAVE HIGHER STANDARDS THAN THAT.   
CG: IF YOU WANT ANY HOPE AT ALL OF ATTRACTING A SUITABLE FLUSHMATE YOU HAVE TO SHOW THAT YOU’RE NOT A FUCKING LIABILITY. A DEAD MATESPRIT DOESN’T DO ANYONE ANY FAVORS AND GOING AROUND SHOWING OFF YOUR LACK OF NATURAL DEFENSE IS JUST BEGGING FOR A QUICK CULL OR MAYBE FISHING FOR A COMPETENT MOIRAIL TO KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO YOU.   
CG: HAVING A MOIRAIL IS A GOOD START. IT MEANS YOU’VE GOT SOMEONE TO KEEP YOU STABILIZED AND YOU PROBABLY WON’T FLY OFF THE HANDLE IMMEDIATELY.   
CG: PLUS, MAKING NICE WITH YOUR POTENTIAL FLUSHMATE’S MOIRAIL IS A QUICK IN. IF THE MOIRAIL APPROVES OF YOUR INTENTIONS, THEN THEY MIGHT TRY AND SET YOU UP.   
CG: OF COURSE YOU HUMANS JUST HAVE TO GET PALE ALL OVER EACH OTHER SO IT DOESN’T REALLY SURPRISE ME THAT CAPTOR THOUGHT HE HAD TO SCHMOOZE ALL OF YOU.   
TG: whoa wait what  
TG: is that why tall dark and lispy has been so buddy buddy lately  
CG: YOU DIDN’T THINK IT WAS YOUR DASHING GOOD LOOKS AND CHARMING WIT, DID YOU?   
TG: i thought we were the tightest of bros  
TG: we were going to form the shades club  
TG: only the coolest of cool kids allowed  
TG: me sollux and rez  
TG: wed take this rock by storm  
CG: ZAHHAK WEARS SUNGLASSES TOO.   
TG: he broke his  
TG: you cant be in the cool shades club if you break your cool shades  
CG: I’M SURE HIS BLOODPUSHER WILL BE SHATTERED.   
TG: aw man you think??   
CG: NO.   
CG: WHAT I **THINK** IS THAT YOU’VE GRABBED THIS CONVERSATION BY THE SCRUFF LIKE A MISBEHAVING WOOFBEAST AND DRAGGED IT SO FAR OFF TOPIC THAT IT IS BUT A TINY GLIMMER ON THE HORIZON OF THIS BULGE CHAFINGLY INANE BOUT OF SOCIAL INTERCOURSE.   
TG: thats an interesting choice of words there karkles  
TG: something you want to share with the class??   
CG: I AM GOING TO PROVE MYSELF TO BE THE BIGGER TROLL HERE AND CHOOSE TO IGNORE YOUR BADLY DISGUISED ATTEMPTS TO "GET MY GOAT."   
CG: TO BRING US BACK ON TOPIC -- SHUT UP, STRIDER, I CAN SEE YOU TYPING OVER THERE.   
CG: PUT THAT FINGER DOWN BEFORE I PUT IT DOWN FOR YOU AND FUCKING PAY ATTENTION ALREADY!   


twinArmageddons [TA] started trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] and turntechGodhead  [TG]!   
CG: CAPTOR, NO.   
TA: captor, ye2.   
TG: hey bro whats up mcshouty was just schooling my poor human thinkpot on the ways of superior troll lovin   
TA: iif you were lookiing for paiiliing tiip2 you went two the wrong troll, kk miight have an iimpre22iive collectiion of porn but hii2 gra2piing appendage ha2 alway2 been hii2 be2t mate.   
CG: YOU FAINTED WHEN ARADIA HELD YOUR HAND FOR THE FIRST TIME AND THEN CAME RUNNING TO ME ALL "kk help me ii dont know what two do"  
TA: we agreed never two 2peak of that, chutewipe.   
CG: AND YET YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CAME BURSTING INTO A PERFECTLY INTELLECTUAL CONVERSATION DISPENSING CLAIMS OF KNOWLEDGE YOU DON'T HAVE THE SLIGHTEST INKLING ABOUT.   
CG: MAYBE YOU **SHOULD** STICK AROUND, SO I ONLY HAVE TO WASTE MY BREATHE ONCE TRYING TO FEED SOME BASIC ETIQUETTE INTO THE BOTH OF YOU IMMATURE WIGGLERS.   
TA: better iidea, iill just break iit down 2uper ea2y for dv.   
TA: when two troll2 piity each other very much, and al2o are extremely hot, they take theiir pant2 off and 2crew liike hopbea2t2.   
CG: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE EVERYTHING SOUND SO FUCKING VULGAR? MATESPRITESHIP IS SO MUCH MORE NUANCED THAN THAT! YOU HAVE TO WANT TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR PARTNER, FOSTER THEIR BEST FEATURES, TREAT THEM LIKE THE MOST VALUABLE GLIMMERING MINERAL DEPOSIT THERE IS AND ENCOURAGE THEM TO GROW INTO THE BEST TROLL THEY'RE CAPABLE OF.   
CG: IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT PAILING, BULGEMUNCH, YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY GIVE A LUMPSQUIRTING SHIT ABOUT THEM, OR ELSE YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE JUST HIRED A DRONE SEASON PARTNER.   
TG: no no i think i got it now  
TG: troll a asks troll bs moirail for troll bs hand in troll marriage  
TG: troll a then proceeds to leave troll b a bunch of gifts  
TG: troll b swoons   
TG: and suddenly buckets  
TG: is that about right do i win the prize??   
CG: IF THE PRIZE IS HOW TO BE THE MOST TAINT CHAFINGLY SIMPLISTIC NOOK BITER THEN YES, YOU WIN THE PRIZE STRIDER.   
CG: LOOK I EVEN MADE YOU A GOLD STAR FOR EFFORT.   
CG: youfuckingtried.gif   
TG: sweet im gonna get this shit framed  
TG: but hey if thats the case  
TG: sollux i am disappointed in you  
TG: abusing the sanctity of broship just to get in johns pants  
TG: were gonna need to start over now that i got the details  
TG: sollux captor you may only date my bro on the grounds that you have him home by 8 every night  
TG: and ill need to chaperone any dark movie theater dates   
TG: and you best not break my best bros heart or ill chase you into the deepest darkest corners of this meteor and cause you grievous bodily injury  
TA: ii thought vk wa2 john2 moiiraiil.   
CG: HUMANS, CAPTOR. THEY GET DISGUSTINGLY PALE ALL OVER EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE, AT ALL HOURS OF THE DAY AND NIGHT, WITH NOT A SINGLE SHRED OF REMORSE OR EMBARRASSMENT. IF YOU HAD BOTHERED TO STEP NUB OUT OF YOUR TERRITORY FOR MORE THAN FIVE SECONDS EVER, YOU MIGHT KNOW THIS ALREADY.   
TA: ok fiine. dv ii promii2e not two paiil and baiil on jn.   
TA: ii cant promii2e to have hiim home by eiight though. ehehe  
TG: dont you worry ill just be waiting up cleaning all these guns I have here  
TA: ii thought your 2triifekiind wa2 2word2?   
TG: i would have said id stay up polishing my sword but that means something completely different for humans just roll with it  
TA: .....   
TA: human2 are fuckiing weiird kk.   
CG: TELL ME ABOUT IT.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Red Flirtations**
> 
>   * Inviting/bringing courted into their territory/space
>     * Displays of submission are less common and more understated
>     * May invite courted to join them in a personal pile.
>   * Being friendlier to courted’s moirail (if any) 
>     * Very traditional trolls might insist that the moirail has to approve of the match before the courtee can make any major moves on his/her intended’s quadrants. This goes for both Spades and Hearts, but it is more common for matesprits than kismesis. 
>       * A select few among traditionalists would say that the moirail guards the Heart, while the ashenmates guard the Spade. 
>   * Presenting courted with food, clothing/jewelry (in the courtee’s own blood color, if they’re forward, but generally they stick to the courted’s blood color) 
>     * The traditional, standard gifts are clothing and jewelry (regardless of gender), but any gift that the receiver might enjoy is considered acceptable
>   * Touching (generally not the face – that’s pretty pale – but it’s not off-limits) 
>   * Presenting horns
>   * (occasionally) Defending the courted from any perceived threats, assisting courted in tasks. 
> 



	9. Chapter 5

Finding Sollux sitting in the food block was unusual enough in itself. To not be greeted with snark was downright weird. 

Karkat stared speculatively at his fellow troll before following his gaze. Egbert was bustling about the meteor's poor excuse for a kitchen -- someone had alchemized a truly awful looking set of appliances, which had promptly set abandoned as it was easier to just alchemize the food itself. Apparently Egbert had finally found a use for it, though Karkat had no idea what he was making. Whatever it was, the human was sliding it into the warming trunk now. 

"Oh, Karkat! Hi!" 

Karkat grunted a greeting and headed for the thermal hull in hopes of finding something worth eating. Behind him, a chair scraped on the floor. 

"After we eat, do you want to come over to my room? I was trying to alchemize Mario Kart, but accidentally made this really weird game. I've been dying to try it out!" John prattled on cheerily. 

Sollux made a considering noise, "Is Mario Kart the one you were telling me about before? With the--" he broke off, and Karkat could hear fabric shift with what he speculated was some vague gesture. John laughed, and Karkat made silent gagging faces into the depths of the thermal hull. 

"Yeah, that's the one! I never did get it alchemized, because SOMEONE--" John cleared his throat pointedly, and Karkat could only assume that he was being implicated, "Insisted that he had 'EXTREMELY FUCKING IMPORTANT BUSINESS' with the alchemizer and kicked me out." 

Sollux's voice was a slow drawl, amused, "Your sacrifice wasn't in vain; I bet Kk would have just burst had he had to wait another two seconds for a replacement nookworm." The cold air from the hull suddenly felt a lot cooler against Karkat's heating face. He bit down on the inside of his cheek to stifle the low growl of annoyance. 

"Haha! What's a nookworm?" 

An uncomfortable silence settled over the room. Karkat resisted the urge to snicker. 

"It's. Uh. I--" 

A timer went off, and John jumped up to retrieve whatever he was making. Karkat glanced over his shoulder to flash a shit-eating grin at the other troll; Sollux's yellow tinted face was hidden in his hands. 

"They're done!" John set a pan down on the counter with a clang and set to shuffling about in the drawers. Karkat eyed the round sugar-and-chocolate discs contemplatively, considering stealing one. Or six. They smelled all right, and probably weren't poisoned if he was sharing them with Sollux. 

The human started scraping them off the tray and onto a plate. "Do you want milk with these, Sollux? Oh, Karkat, do you want a cookie too?" 

Karkat rolled his eyes and scoffed, "I would rather attempt to court a musclebeast." He turned back to shuffling things around the fridge. 

John's cheeks flushed red and he strolled over, pointedly hip-checking the troll out of the doorway. "Well excuuuuuuuuse me for being friendly, Mr. Grouchy Troll! What are you even doing, get out of the way so someone else can use the fridge already!" 

Karkat growled and tried to shove back with his shoulder, putting them in a deadlock of bumping shoulders, elbows, and hips. "What the fuck, go away. I was here first, shitweasel!" John frowned sharply, and snatched one of his "cookies" off the plate to jam in Karkat's open mouth. Karkat reeled back in surprise, coughing and gagging, while John victoriously retrieved his bottle of milk. 

Sollux was bent over laughing, "Oh my god you two, get a room already!" 

John rolled his eyes and set the plate in front of the laughing troll. "Ugh, not you too. Here, eat this and shut up." He held out a confectionery to Sollux's mouth with a sigh. 

The yellowblood's laughter choked off, blood tinting his cheeks, and it was Karkat's turn to smirk. Sollux's eyes narrowed behind his glasses as he briefly glared at the other troll. Glancing up at John, Sollux licked his lips and smiled slightly, leaning forward. His slim hands came up and held John's one, mouthing carefully at the cookie before taking a bite. A low moan escaped his throat, as if the dessert were the most decadent thing he'd ever experienced, and he took another, larger bite, holding John's gaze. John's cheeks heated up as he shifted slightly, wide-eyed. Sollux continued until the cookie was devoured, and delicately lapped the crumbs from the human's fingers, purring sensuously. 

John jumped like he'd been burnt and pulled back his hand, wiping it on his pants. "I. Um. W-was it all right, it tasted okay?" 

"It tasted _amazing_ , John." Sollux's voice was a low purr, straight out of the most decadent pailing film, and Karkat swallowed sharply, staring on in wide-eyed embarrassment. 

"O-oh, that's good, because I was worried that human stuff might make you sick but I don't have any troll stuff and I-- um--" Sollux was holding a cookie up to John's mouth now, one eyebrow cocked. Silence ensued. 

Karkat took his chance and scrambled from the meal block. Sollux's nasally laughter followed him down the hall. 

\---

Spiderwebbing one of the communal rooms with fishing line (or, at least, some alchemiter equivalent called "Fish String” comprised of, surprise, the codes for a rubber fish and a piece of string. It was stretchier than actual fishing line, but that’s fine.) was either John’s BEST prank idea ever, or his WORST prank idea ever. See, normally John is not one to doubt the greatness of his pranks -- because pranks are always great, and he is the prank master. He didn’t get all the levels in his Prankster’s Gambit with lame pranks! 

But when Tavros stumbled into the room and found himself tangled in the strings, he had proceeded to thrash against them, only getting himself EVEN MORE tangled! And it had been pretty great, until John got caught watching (What fun is a prank if you don’t see the results?!), and then Tavros had gotten pretty upset about it. It was kinda cool to watch the troll stampede through the mess of strings, tearing them from their anchor points and snapping it despite his earlier clumsiness. Being thrown to the floor and pinned down by Tavros, well that wasn’t nearly as cool. That actually hurt! 

“Ow, Tavros, that hurts!” John moved to press his hands against the troll’s chest to push him off. 

Tavros bared his teeth, and suddenly it seemed like he had a lot more of those sharp little fangs. “It was supposed to hurt, you… awful human! Your prank, in there, it was childish, and stupid, and… and. Fuck! You are just, the most terrible person!” 

“Aw, come on, calm down, it was actually kind of funny! I mean, look at you! You’re all covered in the strings!” John attempted a laugh, reaching up tentatively to grab one of said strings where it hung down from a horn. The string hung up on something, and he gave it a yank, unintentionally pulling on the troll’s horn at the same time. Tavros _snarled_ , claws prickling into John’s shoulders. And that just wasn’t cool! “It was just a harmless prank, you don’t have to get so angry!” He yanked on the string in his hand again, causing the troll’s head to jerk, and tried to draw his legs up to push the brownblood off that way. The fang-filled snarl morphed into a demented grin that inched ever wider with every one of John’s failed attempts. “Tavros, get off, this isn’t funny anymore!” 

“Make me.” 

John struggled a bit more, shoving and about ready to just turn into wind and escape; a hiss was all the warning he got before the troll just…. disappeared. There was a thud and a cacophony of snarling off to his left and, a little belatedly, John turned his head. 

Karkat and Tavros were entangled, all snarling and fangs and claws as they struggled against each other on the floor. Tavros managed to get free long enough to stand, and Karkat jumped to his feet immediately after, crowding his opponent and feinting with his claws, all the while nimbly dodging any attempts at attacking that Tavros made. 

“Get up! Get up you moronic waste of space! How could you let him best you like that, what the hell.” John could barely make out what Karkat was saying through the heavy undertone of growling, and it took him an embarrassingly long time to staring at Karkat’s back to realize that he wasn’t talking to Tavros. 

The command shook John out of his shock and he clamoured onto his feet, stumbling toward the two fighters. “Hey! Karkat, I’m OK, he didn’t hurt me! Hey, both of you, stop fighting, what’s going on? STOP.” He was quicker to rely on his windy powers this time, shoving the two fighters apart when they continued swiping at each other and brandishing horns. 

Tavros ended up a good few feet away, tottering like he might fall over for a minute before getting his bearings and lowering his horns. “John, you really shouldn’t, get involved. This is something, that we… uh, I mean, Karkat and I… need to do.” 

Karkat took a few deliberate steps closer to where John was standing, head cocked slightly as if his little horns were any kind of threat against the oversized rack on Tavros’ head, and growled sharply, “No, you stubborn hoofbeast of a troll, this isn’t something that we ‘need to do’, because it has already been determined that he _just doesn’t hate you_. And if you would pull your head out of your wastechute long enough to realize what you’re doing, maybe you would realize that you’re only flogging a dead musclebeast. _Give up_.” Karkat’s head snapped around to look at John through narrowed eyes as he barked out, “You! Tell him!” 

A little uncertain, John complied. “T-Tavros, I really don’t hate you like… like Kanaya says you want me to hate you. I don’t want you to hate me either, I want us all to just get along!” 

Karkat flared his nostrils and snorted, but didn’t comment, eyes darting to Tavros. Tavros looked torn, like he couldn’t decide what to do, but less like a bull ready to charge a red cape, anyway. Finally, he bared his teeth at Karkat and growled quietly, “You are not being, as subtle as you think you are, Vantas.” 

Before Karkat had a chance to respond, the bigger troll turned his back like a challenge and stomped away. Karkat bared his teeth at him anyway. Silence fell over them as they listened to Tavros’s clanging footsteps fade down the hall. 

Finally, John sucked in a breath noisily and slumped against a wall, muttering “He didn’t have to get that upset. It was just a prank. It wasn’t even for him, he just wandered into it.” 

Karkat snorted derisively, “I don’t even want to know what stupidity you pulled this time, or what made you think it was a good idea when you have that pail-for-brains panting after your spade so hard. And why you didn’t just punch him and tell him off is way beyond my capabilities, how could you let him get the best of you like that, I thought you humans had at least basic self-preservation abilities but whoops, surprise, Past Karkat was wrong, a-fucking-gain!” 

Scrubbing the back of his head, John smiled sheepishly, “I guess I was just surprised! But thanks for making him back off, even if you did take it way too far! Gosh, he’s just getting so annoying, following me around and growling at me all the time and trying to pick fights over the dumbest thing. And I’ve told him so many times already that I don’t hate him like that!” 

The troll narrowed his eyes in thought, and took another step closer. He seemed to hesitate, suddenly uncertain. “I could make him back off for good, you know.” 

“What?” John straightened up, wide-eyed. “Wh- You don’t mean like, killing him, do you? Oh my god, Karkat, it’s not that bad!” 

Karkat rolled his eyes, staring at the ceiling like he was trying to get some kind of help from above. “No, Egbert, I’m not going to kill him.” 

“Then what? Kanaya is already auspitizing, and if I get your troll romances right, wouldn’t it be like cheating on her?” 

“I’m not offering to be your auspitice either, you rot-panned nookwaffle, I just…. It’s like…” And the troll was back to looking uncomfortable, still staring at the ceiling. John could barely make out the pink tinge to his cheeks. Karkat sucked in a huge breath, held it, and then exhaled, lowering his gaze to meet John’s for a brief time before flickering away again. His face was definitely redder than before. “If I mark you he will have to back off or go through me.” 

John’s eyes narrowed in thought. “What do you mean, ‘if you mark me?’ Like a tattoo? And I don’t want you two to fight over me!” 

Karkat’s shoulders slumped, a hand coming up to tug distractedly at his hair. “Not a tattoo, I just… would touch you. So that you smell like my-- I mean, like me. You’d smell like me.” He straightened up, crossing his arms. “If Tavros was smart, he’d just back off, we wouldn’t have to fight at all. And he’d leave you alone, stop trying to fill your spade quadrant because you would already be taken. Fuck, I mean, you’d smell like it. To another troll.” 

The human took a moment to process this. “So… if you mark me… then Tavros would think you’re my boyfriend.” 

“Yes.” Karkat’s eye twitched. 

“And he’ll leave me alone.” 

“Yes.” the troll shifted his weight, hand coming up to pull at his messy hair again. 

“But we’re not dating.” 

Karkat didn’t verbally respond, his frown deepening as he seemed like he was considering the statement. John continued, “Would I have to touch… mark you too? 

The blood rushed back into Karkat’s face as he looked away, “Y-You wouldn’t have to I guess, but it would… work better if you did.” 

Silence fell between them, John considering the idea and Karkat staunchly refusing to look at him. 

Finally, John nodded to himself. “OK.” 

“OK?” 

“Yeah. OK. Mark me, or whatever. If its ok with you, and it’ll get Tavros to stop being so annoying, then go ahead.” John spread his arms, head cocked to the side. 

Karkat’s face turned redder than John thought possible, eyes wide. “I. Uh. Yeah. OK. I’ll…. just….. not here!” Karkat whirled around on his heel and walked away. John, startled, tripped after him. 

“Why not here? Why are you blushing? Karkat? Karkat what aren’t you telling me!” 

“Just. Follow me. I’ll explain it when we get to my room, so just shut your wordflap already.” 

No less confused, but willing to go along for now, John just leveled a suspicious look at Karkat’s back and followed him. 


	10. Chapter Five-Point-Five: The Pity, the Hate, and the Humans

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]!  
TG: karkat  
TG: karcrab  
TG: karkitty  
TG: karcutie  
TG: wait ignore that one  
TG: karkles  
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT, I'M BUSY.  
TG: what are you planning?  
CG: ……  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an idle troll!  
TG: hey! get back here!  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now offline!  
TG: damn it karkat!  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look, I do in fact continue to exist :D


	11. Chapter 6

They were in Karkat’s room for this marking thing. John didn't really understand how it was supposed to work, but somehow he didn't think it involved Karkat pacing around his room muttering to himself. It was becoming more and more obvious that he was missing something, but Karkat wasn't telling him what! 

“Karkat?” 

More muttering. The troll didn't even acknowledge him. John gave him a minute before trying again. This was getting nowhere, fast. 

A little light in the corner of his glasses alerted him to a new message from Dave, and it gave him an idea. He opened pesterchum and ignored Dave's waves of red text to find…. Ah, good, she's on! 

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]!  
EB: Vriska! I need help with weird troll stuff!   
AG: Hmmmmmmmm? What is it John? Is It that looooooooser Nitram? Just tell him to sod off already! A good punch to the face, just like I showed you!   
EB: no no its not him and I told you, i'm not going to punch Tavros!   
AG: Then what is it? I don't have all day, John!   
EB: It's Karkat! He said he was going to mark me but now he's all weird and is just pacing and ignoring me!   
AG: ooooooooh, you didn't tell me it was so important! You should have said so earlier!   
AG: marking someone can be a pretty big deal, John! Karkat is suuuuuuuuch a sap though, I bet he's just nervous! He’ll get over it.   
AG: I have to go. But you have to tell me aaaaaaaall about it later okay? Don't leave anything out, John! Ta-ta!   
arachnidsGrip [AG]is now an idle chum!

John huffed and closed the application, muttering, “That wasn't helpful at all.” 

Karkat’s pacing stopped, and he went, “Huh?” 

“Nothing. Are you okay? If this is some kind of big deal we could find another way! Maybe if I talk to Tavros again--”

“No. Fuck. I mean, it is a big deal, but it's not-- That bullheaded twerp isn't going to just--” Karkat sucked in a deep breath. He looked like this was a lot bigger deal than he claimed it to be! “Ok. Let's do this.” 

“Ok.” 

They just stared at each other for a long time. 

“What should I do?” John blinked and broke the silence. Karkat’s face flared red again and he growled, pushing John backward and pinning him to the bed. 

“I'm going to kiss you.” 

“You what--” John didn't really get a chance to say anything else before Karkat’s mouth was on his. It wasn't like any kind of kissing John knew about, all rough and with Karkat biting at his mouth and then pulling back without breaking skin. Claws were prickling at John’s shoulders, and he was still a little too startled to respond. The assault ended as suddenly as it began, and Karkat muttered a quiet _‘sorry’_ and _‘fuckin delicate human’_ as he mouthed at John’s neck. 

“K-Karkat? You know I-I’m not-- what are you--”

“I'm marking you, dumbass, did you forget already?” 

John swallowed and nodded. “O-okay.” 

Karkat hesitated a bit, hovering over him. “It’s…. Okay right?” 

John bit his lip, winced a little at the bruise on it, and nodded. This was just so that Tavros would leave him alone! It didn't mean anything. Right? Right. Karkat was just being a good friend, in his weird alien way! 

Karkat nodded back, and then they were pressed together again. John squirmed at the hot mouth suddenly on his neck. The hint of teeth made him jump and clench at Karkat’s shoulders, but they never broke skin, and an uncomfortable giggle rose up in John’s throat. He was being so _gentle_. 

Karkat had really warm hands. Warmer than Sollux’s, and _definitely_ warmer than Vriska’s. But Sollux and Vriska never had their hands on him like this. Karkat’s fingers curled around John’s biceps, almost a little too tight. They relaxed, after a time, and ran down John’s arm to grab his wrist. He let the troll move him, curious, and found his hand placed roughly in thick black hair. John giggled, uncertain, and started running his fingers through it. Troll hair felt so weird. He studiously avoided the candy corn nubs, just like Vriska taught him.

Karkat snorted against his collarbone and drew away, claws catching in John’s shirt. “This. Off.” 

John jumped, face going bright red as he squawked, “What!” 

“Look, nook pimple, I’m not asking you to get naked, just take your damn shirt off already!” The barely there blush on Karkat’s face spread like wildfire and he looked away quickly. 

John swallowed another nervous giggle and started pulling at his shirt. That’s right, this was weird for Karkat too. Man, he was going to owe him big time for this! By the time John had pulled his shirt over his head, Karkat was mechanically yanking his own shirt off and throwing it somewhere. There was an awkward pause, where Karkat wouldn’t look away from the wall and John wouldn’t look away from Karkat’s chest. 

He’d never seen Karkat without a shirt before. It was perfectly fine for bros to be shirtless around eachother, he’d seen Dave shirtless lots of times, and sometimes Sollux would lounge around without a shirt on, but he’d never seen Karkat take his shirt off. It shouldn’t be this weird though! Foggily, he realized that trolls don’t have nipples, and the realization made him jolt out of his reverie. 

John looked at the wall and tried to will away the blush on his face. “What now?” 

“Uh.” Karkat glanced over, away, looked up at the ceiling, and let out a long beleaguered sigh. 

John looked back at him, curious, and forced a shaky grin. Elbowing the troll, he laughed, uncertain, “Come on, you’re just making it weirder! This doesn’t mean anything, right? You said so yourself!” 

Karkat’s upper lip twitched in some unreadable expression. John didn’t really get to ponder it before the troll pounced on him, shoving him back into the mattress and muttering angrily. Hands hovered over his ribs, skirted down his sides (“Hey, that tickles!”) and hesitated uncomfortably close to his waistband before holding more firmly at his hips. Teeth bit at John’s shoulder, just hard enough that John jumped and tried to pull away. 

“What the hell, Karkat!” The end of his exclamation was more yelp than anything; Karkat pressed down on top of him, squashing him against the mattress, and growled throatily. John struggled, alarmed; There was no way Karkat would hurt him on purpose! “Hey, what are you doing, Karkat this isn’t funny!” 

Claws prickled the skin of his arms a little harder just as he started dissolving into air, and suddenly Karkat threw himself back and away with a loud, “Fuck!” 

John froze against the bed, eyeing the troll, cautious. Karkat raked his hands through his hair, still knelt over John’s lap. Tentative, John asked, “Karkat?” 

The troll’s eyes looked wild and somehow darker than before as he looked John up and down. He shuddered once and swung a leg over, dismounting from the bed and presenting his back. 

“Fuck. OK. It’s done, now get out.” 

“Karkat? Are you okay?” 

“Out!” And without any further words, the troll stomped from the room himself. 

John got out of the bed much more slowly, collecting his shirt. As an after-thought, he picked up Karkat’s abandoned shirt too, and folded it on the bed. When he left the room, Karkat was nowhere to be found. 

It wasn’t until he’d reached his own room that John realized, with some embarrassment, that maybe he’d been a little more excited by the proceedings than was strictly comfortable. God, what if Karkat noticed? What if that’s why he stormed off so suddenly?

Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A secret: I have had this written for approx a week now, had it completely edited and ready to post yesterday, and just today decided to re-write about half of it, edit it again, and then posted it.  
> So uh. If you see anything wrong, please please let me know.  
> Also, this chapter now has a companion piece. It's basically just smut. [What a Terrible Idea](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5660188) Enjoy.


	12. Chapter 7

Karkat, admittedly, should have known that marking John and then trying to proceed with a purely platonic “human broship” was a bad idea. He didn’t learn the full spectrum of his mistake until afterwards. Afterward, when he encountered John in the hallways and his own black pheromones on another being wafted over him. The hairs at the back of his neck began to prickle and swallowing down the growl that came unbidden was like swallowing an entire planet. He averted his eyes to the floor and shoved his hands in his pockets, absolving to ignore the human and the sudden overwhelming urge to throw him against a wall ( _be thrown against a wall_ ) and bite at that pink mouth.

“Oh, Karkat!”

Karkat froze in his tracks, shoulders rising automatically. “What?” came out harsher than he meant it to, but John either didn’t notice or didn’t care; the lack of a response to his threat grated on Karkat’s nerves. 

“I-I wanted to ask… I mean, Kanaya mentioned something that…” John stopped, rubbing the back of his head and looking hesitant to continue. 

Karkat didn’t respond, but only because he was staying very focused on staying _right here_ and _not_ pinning the human against the nearest surface for… something that Karkat’s instinct driven brain wasn’t being very specific on at the moment. 

Something must have shown on his face, because John was moving closer and looking concerned. It set of cries of _wrong wrong wrong_ in the troll’s mind. “Hey. Are you alright?” 

“I’m just _great_ , Egbert. _Fantastic_ , even.” He meant to stop there, but of Karkat’s many talents, shutting up was not one of them. “Can’t you tell, I’m just spewing joy from every orifice to be bestowed the _honor_ of standing here listening to you dither uselessly on about whatever it is you could _possibly_ want from me! _Please, John,_ continue to enlighten me with whatever mindless drivel that has popped into your thinkpan, so that I can carve your words into a dried pile of my own offal, present it to the world, and create an entire religion around melting ones thinkpan to the consistency of a grub’s first shit and praising your every passing thought?” 

Of-fucking-course, John, the monumental insufferable asswad that he is, only laughed at that. “Ew, Karkat!” 

And then it went downhill. John pulled back to deliver a no doubt friendly-intentioned punch to Karkat’s shoulder, in some strange gesture of broship that only made sense to the humans, and Karkat’s overtaxed last nerve frayed and snapped. He dodged the blow easily enough, ducking under it to bodily shove John up against the nearest wall and hold him pinned there. He had his claws curled around John’s hips, teeth bared and pressed threateningly up against the pulse point of his throat. John gasped into his ear and tried to push back -- almost succeeded, if Karkat hadn’t planted his feet and thrown his weight against him. Each struggle just fueled the strange, instinct- and pheromone-induced haze that was taking over Karkat’s thought, and all he could manage was to growl and fight back against each attempt to move him. 

Another growl managed to pierce the haze enough that Karkat was aware of another’s presence, but he didn’t have time to react before red and blue was yanking him away and into a heap against the far wall. He felt half-feral as he turned on his attacker, _How dare you Hes mine Not Yours Back Off Go Away_ , only for his snarl to choke off in his throat with a shock of cold water down his spine at the sudden conflict in emotions. 

Sollux didn’t look to be handling the conflict any better, rooted to where he stood outside his door with eyes so wide they could be seen over his shades. 

“Shit, KK, I’m so sorry, are you okay, oh shit, I didn’t-- I don’t--” The Gemini was babbling a mile a minute, his breath coming short and fast in between spewed half sentences and apologies. 

Karkat took in a careful breath, standing slowly, and cautious to keep his gaze focused away from the ( _arrogant insolent don't leave him don't stop show him show him you're bigger make him submit don't turn your back_ ) human. Sollux’s eyes kept flitting between the two, babbling tapering off as his breath started coming harder and shorter, like there wasn’t enough air in the hallway to sustain him, and the pity struck sharply into Karkat’s bloodpusher. John was shoved to the back of his mind as Karkat crept forward, shushing and murmuring even before he was near enough to lay a hand on the flushed mustard face. The growl that had been bottled up in his thorax was coming out a rumbling purr, and Karkat was finally close enough that he cupped Sollux’s face and pressed their foreheads together. He took deep, slow breaths and stroked at Sollux’s horns when the psionic shakily tried to match them. 

When Sollux found his voice again it was small and still bordering on panic as he whispered, “I don’t know why I did that, JN was yelling and you were growling and I wanted to-- I just reacted, I didn’t mean to, KK, I didn’t--”

“Shh, no, hey, enough. Stop. You did good. I didn’t know either. Shh.” 

“I wanted to hurt you!” Sollux tore away with a shout and Karkat moved after him on autopilot, pulling him close again. 

“But you didn’t.” 

“Um, guys? What the hell just happened?” 

Karkat jerked around and started growling at John ( _trespasser intruder stay away_ ), but let Sollux’s shaky hands smooth the knee jerk reaction away easily enough. John’s hands came up in a presumably placating gesture that only served to show off the scratches there. Karkat noted the pinpricks of blood at the human’s throat with a hint of pride. 

“What are you doing here, bulgemunch? Fuck off.” He licked the copper from his lower lip, eyes narrowed lazily at John. 

“Sollux invited me here, and you just went crazy on me! Why should _I_ leave?” 

Before Karkat had a chance to snap back something, Sollux cut in, voice only a little shaky. “JN, maybe you could come back later? I’ll troll you.” 

John looked confused, but nodded, turning to leave after shooting Karkat a frown. Karkat just bared his teeth, ears pressing flat to his skull. The human turned away and whipped off down the hall on a breeze; it felt like enough of a win to Karkat that he sagged heavily on the other troll and groaned, “Just kill me now.”


	13. Seven-Point-Five: The Good, the Bad, and the Hateful

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]!  
TG: dude what the hell  
TG: did you have some kind of psychotic break or what  
TG: are you gonna start hoarding bodies and scurrying around the vents next  
TG: wearing weird makeup and honking at poor unsuspecting passerby that are just minding their own damn business  
CG: IT’S CALLED AN INSTINCTUAL REACTION YOU INSUFFERABLE FUCKMUFFIN. AND I  
CG: AND I DIDN’T EXPECT IT TO BE THAT STRONG.   
CG: LOOK I WASN’T GOING TO **KILL** HIM, HE JUST  
CG: FUCK  
TG: yes  
TG: fuck  
TG: that explains everything  
TG: i now completely understand the entire situation  
CG: IT’S COMPLICATED, OKAY?   
TG: everything is complicated with you trolls  
CG: ONLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE A THINKPAN SO SMALL THAT IF I BLEW YOUR MIND IT WOULD BARELY RUFFLE YOUR HAIR.   
TG: nothing ruffles a striders hair dude  
CG: IF YOU WERE A PSIONIC YOU WOULDN’T HAVE ENOUGH PAN-POWER TO FLY A PICNIC BUG’S TWO-WHEELED MOTORIZED VEHICLE HALFWAY AROUND THE INSIDE OF THAT CIRCLE-SHAPED CEREAL ROSE LIKES SO MUCH.   
TG: ouch kitkat  
TG: that hurts  
TG: im dying here man  
TG: tell my family i love them  
TG: make sure the clown doesn’t get me just throw my body off a building into space or something  
TG: wait no thats where the tentacle monsters are  
CG: TOO LATE, NO TAKE BACKS. I’M THROWING YOU TO THE HORRORTERRORS.   
TG: fuck  
TG: all right karkitty the all knowing shine a light on this whole marking and instincts business  
TG: like okay i get what they are but  
TG: its weird  
CG: HOW ELSE WOULD YOU KNOW IF A TROLL IS ALREADY QUADRANTED OR IF YOU’D GET YOUR ASS KICKED IF YOU EVEN TRIED?   
TG: uh  
TG: put a ring on it  
CG: YES, THAT IS A PERFECTLY REASONABLE ALTERNATIVE, BUT HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF WEARING A BUNCH OF EXPENSIVE FLASHY BLING LIKE A HORDE OF POMPOUS CONCEITED SEADWELLERS WE COULD JUST BE REASONABLE FUCKING BEINGS AND MARK OUR QUADS WITH A BIG GLARING SIGN THAT SCREAMS “TAKEN” TO ANY AND ALL TROLLS?   
TG: point  
TG: humans noses arent that sensitive itd have to be some pretty heavy stank to do anything like that  
TG: i mean john doesnt smell any different to me  
TG: not that i go around sniffing him or anything but  
CG: FIGURES.   
CG: THE INSTINCTS ATTACHED ARE HARDER TO DEFINE. IF YOUR PALEMATE IS IN DISTRESS, AND THEY SMELL LIKE YOUR PALEMATE, THEN YOUR INSTINCTS JUST START SHOUTING TO FIX WHATEVER THE PROBLEM IS.   
CG: IF THEY SMELL LIKE YOUR KISMESIS, YOU JUST WANT TO… TO FIGHT, TO MAKE THEM STRONGER AND MAKE YOURSELF STRONGER AT THE SAME TIME.   
CG: MATESPRITS WANT TO BE CLOSE, AND TOUCH, AND MAKE EACHOTHER BETTER IN DIFFERENT WAYS. AND ASHENMATES, IT’S MORE ABOUT KEEPING THE PEACE. ASH CAN BE PRETTY FLUID, SO THEY DON’T ALWAYS MARK EACH OTHER. I DON’T THINK KANAYA MARKED JOHN OR TAVROS AT ALL.   
TG: so  
TG: if you  “DIDN’T EXPECT IT TO BE THAT STRONG”   
TG: does that mean you’ve never marked anyone before???   
CG: OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME. SHARING TIME IS OVER!! TOO BAD, KARKAT IS NO LONGER TAKING ANY QUESTIONS OF THIS NATURE, TIME TO MOVE ON WITH OUR SAD PATHETIC LIVES DOING ANYTHING THAT IS NOT THAT.   
carcinoGeneticist [CG] stopped trolling turntechGodhead [TG]!   
TG: thats a yes  
turntechGodhead [TG] stopped pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]!   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Scent markers:**
> 
>   * horns (at the bases, where it is somewhat sensitive; possibly touching a troll’s horns is a sort of way of saying “ravish me”, and a troll allowing it is saying “can do”) – used in all quadrants, but applied differently: black quadrants tend towards head-butting/locking horns, red quadrants tend towards just bumping/rubbing horns and lavishing attention on them in general
>   * sides of throat have scent glands (not immediately visible, but can be felt as small lumps just under the jaw) 
>   * genetic material – more potent, and the scent is more obvious after multiple “applications” and at its most potent for ~a week after pailing (so regular pailing keeps it “fresh”) 
>   * general contact also leaves a scent (obviously) , though it is not permanent. Regardless, it is common to rub one’s chin/throat against each other in a red relationship as a sign of trust along with scent marking. Sometimes seen as taunting for a kismesis to rub his horns against the losing partner’s throat. 
> 

> 
> **Physical markers: ******
> 
>   * wearing blood color (red quadrants are more apt to doing this; not a common practice. A dominant/winning kismesis partner may wear the other partner’s blood/genetic material stains with pride) 
>     * Sometimes wearing quadrant’s symbol. This is a pretty possessive sign – in the old days it was common for a slave to wear its owner’s symbol/color in place of their own, and having a quadrant wear their partner’s symbol is sort of a throwback to this. (Quadrant mates are obviously allowed to keep their own sign, though, and to differentiate they often keep their own sign prominent and their partner’s more subtle. A necklace or cufflink, for instance.) More common among the concupiscent quadrants, particularly black. 
>   * Bite/scratch marks in visible locations (both quadrants, though black quadrants’ marks are more vicious) like the neck and face and arms
>   * Keeping a partner’s (often scented) possession within one’s territory (especially piles for the red quadrants) – often something given to them in the red quadrants, or something stolen in the black
> 

> 
> ********


	14. Chapter 8

It was several hours after Karkat had had some weird flip out on him for _no reason at all_ that John’s glasses informed him of a new incoming message. Immediately after the first angry grey message came up, another in mustard yellow followed in a new window. 

“Hang on, they’re messaging me now.” 

Vriska stopped mid-sentence and put down the box of bandages, leaning in as if she could read them through John’s glasses. “Well? What do they have to say?” 

John held up a hand as he read through the paragraphs of grey and sparse few lines of yellow. “Karkat is…” The grey strings of text kept growing, and it was getting hard to keep up when he wasn’t sure he understood half of it. “I don’t know, he’s not making a lot of sense. I think he’s mad at me though. Like, actually angry at me! I didn’t _do anything_ though, he’s the one that flipped out and bit me!” John knit his brows together and decided against responding, switching over to Sollux’s window. He felt a little bad then. “Sollux is just sorry.” He wasn’t sure he understood the reasoning for that either, but he felt bad anyway. Sollux had just been trying to help. Had it been okay to leave him with Karkat like that? John turned back to Vriska, lost and frustrated and more than a little hurt. 

Vriska sighed theatrically and flipped her hair over her shoulder. “Honestly, John, do I have to explain _everything_ to you?” Grinning, she leaned in again, lowering her voice as if there were anyone else in John’s room likely to overhear. “Karkat has a big, fat, black wiggly all for you, John! The biggest! It’s so painfully obvious, even though he tries soooooooo hard to deny it!” Settling back again, she resumed packing up the bandages and tucking them off to the side of their pile. “There’s just no way that you can pretend not to notice anymore John! I mean, come on. He _marked_ you! To keep Tavros away! That not just something trolls go around doing, you know, it’s kind of a big deal!” 

“But we’re both guys!” He had to admit that what she was saying made sense, but… John buried his face in his hands. 

Vriska tossed her own hands up in the air. “What difference does that even make? You keep saying that but who cares? Sollux and Karkat are both ‘guys’ and _they’re_ together!” 

“I care! Cause I’m not into guys!” and a bit quieter, “Not that there’s something wrong with it but… it’s just… guys don’t _like_ other guys like that!” a pause and, more cautious, “Sollux and Karkat are together? Like… _together_?” 

“God, John! They’re moirails, just like us!” She rolled her eyes as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. John started to feel like a huge tool. And maybe a little confused. “That doesn’t matter right now though. What are you going to do? You can’t just tell Karkat ‘I’m not into guys’ when you’re already with Sollux!” 

“But Sollux and I aren’t--!” Vriska gaped at him, seemingly at a loss for words. It made John realize that he must have missed something very crucial. He felt his cheeks slowly growing redder, and when the staring finally became too uncomfortable he snapped out, “ _What_?” 

Instead of answering him, she just doubled over laughing, her horns almost smacking John in the face. He dodged backward with a yelp and repeated, even more alarmed, “Vriska, _what_?! What is going on!” 

She dragged him into a hug, patting randomly at his face and head as she tried to stop laughing. Voice a little strained and moisture still at the corners of her eye, she managed, “John, John you poor, pitiful human. You’re just so-- so simple! You’re so lucky to have me as your moirail, John.” 

“I don’t feel very lucky right now.” He grumbled, crossing his arms but allowing her to continue… whatever she was doing to his hair. 

It seemed to take forever before she finally got herself under control. Wiping the last bit of moisture from her eye, she sat back and gripped him by the shoulders. “John, you and Sollux are matesprits! You accepted all of his invitations, you absolutely _reek_ of that scrawny nerd’s pity pheromones, and, well… all that’s left is for you two to seal the deal! _Everyone_ knows about it, you don’t have to be so shy!” 

“Everyone but me!” John turned bright red. “I’m not being shy Vriska, I _really_ have no idea what you’re talking about! Sollux and I are just buddies! We don’t kiss or hold hands or anything like that! We’re not _dating_!” 

She narrowed her eyes, looking uncomprehending. “But it’s so obvious, John! I can’t believe that he hasn’t made even _one_ move on you that-- no, no, I can believe that. It _is_ Sollux after all! But we’ll get back to that. What about Karkat, do you ‘kiss or anything like that’ with Karkat?” 

He was not aware that his face could feel any hotter, but dang, would you look at that? “It was only the once!” 

She switched to that predatory grin that she got when she knew something that he didn’t. “And? Did you liiiiiiiike it? Remember, John, there’s no lying in our pile! No one but me knows what’s said here, so it’s okay to tell me _eeeeeeeeverything_!” 

“N- I-” he stumbled over his own tongue, pulling the hood of his godtier shirt up over his face before finally admitting. “It wasn’t terrible, okay? But it was weird, and kind of hurt!” 

He could hear Vriska humming, but didn’t want to come out from under his hood to look. “What if Sollux kissed you?” 

John couldn’t find a response for that, so he just stayed huddled under his hood. 

“Well, then let’s find out!” 

“What? Vriska, no, wait--!” He shoved his hood back from his face and reached for her to stop her from…. whatever she was doing. Which didn’t appear to be much. She was on her phone. “What are you doing?” 

“You’ll see! Anyway, John, this has been a good talk! I have some other irons to attend to though, so I’ll troll you later!” She was getting up and looked much too smug for John’s comfort. 

“Wait Vriska, tell me what you’re going to do!” He scrambled after her, not really sure what he was worried about, but worried regardless. It’s not like she could just… _make_ Sollux kiss him! Could she? 

“Don’t worry about it, John, you’ll just upset yourself!” She flourished right past him and out the door, and John wasn’t even sure how to stop her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Vriska, you are moirails, not gossipchumps, _you are not much help_ )


	15. Chapter 9

It had been awhile since someone pushed John up against a wall. He was really starting to miss that pain in his back-- Not! 

He pushed back against his attacker, and almost managed to push Tavros off until the troll threw his weight into it. 

“Kanaya says, that humans don’t uh, have kismesis. And that that, is, um, why we need to be auspitized. And also, probably, because you say that you don’t hate me like that.” Tavros slapped his hand against the wall right next to John’s ear, interrupting his attempt to dissipate with the breeze. 

Frustrated, John scowled back. “I already know all that. Why won’t you just leave me alone already?” 

Tavros narrowed his eyes. “Because, what I think, is that you are a, big, fat, liar. Your, uh, kismesitude with Karkat is fake, and you are pretending that it is real, which is a thing that is not true, just to make me angrier, and maybe, to mock me.” 

John rolled his eyes. “That’s completely stupid, and I’m actually starting to think that you’re just really desperate! Which is really kind of pathetic.” 

“I am not desperate!” Tavros snapped, and suddenly he was lunging further into John’s space, biting down on a blue-clad shoulder and very nearly smashing an oversized horn against John’s face. 

With a yelp, John attempted to jerk backward and shove Tavros away by the horn, but only managed to make the troll angrier and get himself crushed against the wall. Tavros’ mouth pulled away red, and John took his chance to escape on the breeze, throwing the troll away from himself with a strong tailwind. 

~

Appearing out of thin air -- literally -- right in front of Karkat was probably a bad idea (but a great potential prank), but John wasn’t thinking about that as he reformed hovering in the air right in front of the troll, the winds whipping around him a reflection of his own breathless panic. “Karkat, it’s not working!” 

It took Karkat a couple heartbeats to straighten up from his defensive crouch and stash away his sickles again. His next reaction was to start yelling. “What the unholy fuck, Egbert, I was this close to carving you open from bulge to pumpbiscuit, and it would have been a just death, you braindead shitcrisp. What part of ‘gee, whiz, we’re all packed nook to bulge together on this gargantuan space rock with a stab happy woofbeast stalking us down, wouldn’t it be _great_ to start sneaking up on people??’ sounded like a good idea to you? And what is with the goddamn windy bullshit, why is there a virtual wind vortex chasing you through the halls, and why did you need to share it with me, of all the taintchafing bulgehumpers you could possibly hope to fuck around with?” Karkat paused long enough to suck in a breath, and the original complaint must have finally sunk in. “What isn’t working? And-- “ sniff, growl. “You smell like that gutless, pathetic excuse of a troll.” 

“Tavros just thinks I had you mark me to make him angry, and _he bit me_ , and Vriska thinks that you really do hate me and also I think she is going to do something weird to make Sollux kiss me, even though I tried to tell her that we are bros and this marking thing was supposed to get Tavros to quit being a gigantic butt head but _it’s not working_ and actually I think has made stuff worse because everyone is acting weird now!” By the end of his diatribe John’s face felt hot and he was panting for air, but at least the wind had calmed down. He had no idea how Karkat managed to talk that much on one breath without keeling over all the time. 

Karkat was making a face. That was the only way to describe it. It wasn’t his normal face, nor one John had ever seen before; he had no idea what this face meant, but it morphed into the much more familiar rage face soon enough. “Nitram did what now? Let me see the bite, I swear to the horrorterror’s tentacley assholes that if that little nookcrunch tried to mark you--” Karkat’s hand shot out to grab John by the collar, yanking at the fabric for a better view of the bite. 

“Karkat, no, wait, stop.” He managed to dislodge Karkat’s grip by levitating upwards, then came back down to grip the troll by the shoulders. This was not the time for Karkat and Tavros’ weird rivalry thing! “Karkat I need you to answer something. Because I’m getting really confused by everything and I’m starting to think that maybe is Vriska is right and you _do_ like-hate me, and I don’t really know how to feel about that, but you haven’t said anything to me and it’s just all really confusing!” 

Stepping away and out of John’s grip, Karkat averted his gaze to the floor, crossing his arms. His voice was rough and defensive as he spat out, “ I-- augh, Past-Me is the most pan-rotted, grub fisted, putrid sack of bulges there ever was, I swear. There’s no other excuse, none, for why anyone would take one look at this plan and go ‘yes, perfect, this has no foreseeable way of shoving itself up your wastechute any time in the near future.’ But of course none of that bothered Past-Me, he just decided to dive bulge-first into this steaming pile of fresh behemoth leavings with nary a spark between two pan-cells.” 

The troll looked like he could keep going for hours -- and he probably could -- but John jumped in on the first opportunity he spotted. “Um, Karkat?” 

Karkat was always loud, but his next words were even louder than usual, projected forcefully onto the floor. “Yes, you insipid bulgelicking asscactus, I ‘ _like-hate you like that_ ,’ and I have for a long time, and like a desperate, thoughtless wiggler I thought that maybe you would have picked up on that by now and were just playing stupid, but no, of fucking course not, the stupid was real. What the hell could I ever expect from the air-panned doofus himself? Or maybe you _did_ realize, and now you’re just playing dumb, because Ha Ha, look at the pathetic wiggler and his desperate crush!” 

John’s stomach was knotting up with… with… he wasn’t sure, but he was upset, and overwhelmed, and a million other things, and every word out of Karkat’s mouth was just making that jumble of emotions tighten in his chest until it felt a little hard to breath. He cut off the ranting with an airy, “ _Karkat_.” But the troll kept up his stream of self-depreciation, oblivious, and John swallowed before croaking out a little louder, “Karkat, _stop_.” 

His voice cracked embarrassingly, and Karkat stopped mid-rant, head jerking up to stare through narrowed eyes. He looked angry, and hurt, and maybe like he was going to cry, or yell more, or both. John didn’t think he could take any of that. His irregular breathing was the only sound in the hallway for a few heartbeats, as Karkat just… waited. For something that John didn’t know how to give. The troll’s eyebrows twitched together, mouth tilting down another millimeter, and he took one small step forward; it sounded impossibly loud. 

“I need to think about this.” All in one breath John rattled off the first thing that came to mind and bolted in the opposite direction down the hallway. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hums innocently*  
> (Also, "asscactus" is my new favorite thing to call someone.)


	16. Forgive me, Lusus, For I Have Fucked Up

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]!  
TG: you done fucked up man  
CG: YOU THINK I DON’T FUCKING REALIZE THAT ALREADY, STRIDER??   
CG: I DO, IN FACT, HAVE FULLY FUNCTIONING OCULAR GLOBES. I AM INTIMATELY FAMILIAR WITH THE EXACT DEGREE TO WHICH I HAVE MANAGED TO COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY SCREW OVER EVERYTHING.   
CG: NOT JUST ANY CHANCE OF EVER OCCUPYING JOHN’S MOST LIKELY NON EXISTENT BLACK QUADRANT, EITHER. THIS HIDEOUS HUMAN DISEASE KNOWN AS “FRIENDSHIP” THAT THAT MATERIAL GUZZLING SHITLICK HAS INJECTED DIRECTLY INTO MY VASCULAR PUMP HAS PROBABLY BEEN UTTERLY ERADICATED AS WELL. I MIGHT AS WELL DRAG MY ASS UP TO THE ROOF OF THE HIGHEST BUILDING ON THIS BLEAK FUCKING ROCK FORMATION AND THROW MY WORTHLESS CARCASS OFF THE EDGE. OR MAYBE IT WOULD BE BETTER TO LAUNCH MYSELF INTO THE BLACK EMPTINESS OF SPACE. I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT GAMZEE WOULD DO IF HE FOUND MY CORPSE.   
TG: dude  
TG: youre being a little overdramatic here  
CG: OVERDRAMATIC? YOU THINK I’M BEING OVERDRAMATIC? I COULD SHOW YOU OVERDRAMATIC.   
TG: no  
TG: karakt  
TG: just chill a minute take a couple deep breaths or something  
TG: this is john were talking about here theres no way he would be as mad as you think he is  
TG: i mean he kind of just seemed pretty freak out which i mean kind of makes sense??   
TG: like you just declared your undying hatred or whatever for him you gotta give a guy a some time to adjust to that  
TG: and besides hatred is kind of the exact opposite of what you should be feeling in a healthy human relationship i think so its kind of really weird to us???   
CG: IT’S NOT LIKE I MEANT TO JUST… DROP ALL OF MY DISGUSTING EMOTIONAL GARBAGE AT HIS FEET LIKE A PARTICULARLY INDOLENT REFUSE WORKER. I DIDN’T ACTUALLY THINK THAT MARKING HIM WAS GOING TO BE THAT BIG OF A DEAL, BUT LIKE USUAL, HA HA, NOTHING CAN EVER GO AS PLANNED FOR KARKAT VANTAS, FUCK UP EXTRAORDINAIRE!   
CG: I DIDNT MARK HIM PERMANENTLY, IT BARELY EVEN REALLY COUNTED I THOUGHT, I JUST FIGURED IT WOULD BE ENOUGH TO MAKE THAT PRODIGIOUSLY HORNED DUMBLEFUCK TAKE A HINT AND BACK OFF. HIS BUMBLING AROUND WAS, FRANKLY, GETTING EMBARRASSING, AND ALL HE WAS DOING WAS FREAKING EGBERT OUT.   
TG: and also you wanted the choice egbert booty all to yourself  
CG: IT WASN’T LIKE THAT!   
TG: yes it was  
CG: NO.   
TG: yes  
CG: NO.   
TG: yes  
CG: NO AND ALSO FUCK YOU, YOU CAN TAKE THAT IDEA AND SHOVE IT RIGHT UP YOUR WASTECHUTE RIGHT ALONGSIDE YOUR INSUFFERABLE FUCKING EGO.   
TG: denial is more than just a river in egypt bro  
CG: WHAT KIND OF USELESS DRIVEL ARE YOU SPEWING NOW, STRIDER? YOU KNOW WHAT, NEVER MIND, I PROBABLY DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW.   
CG: IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER, BECAUSE I FUCKED UP SO TREMENDOUSLY THAT IF EGBERT EVER COMES BACK OUT OF HIS BLOCK OR WHEREVER HE BREEZED OFF TOO, THE CHANCES OF HIM EVEN LOOKING ME IN THE OCULAR GLOBES WILL BE ABOUT AS GREAT AS THE CHANCES OF YOU DEVELOPING A SHRED OF DECENCY.   
CG: FUCK. I NEED TO GO TALK TO SOLLUX.   
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [What a Terrible Idea](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5660188) by [LadyMurasaki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyMurasaki/pseuds/LadyMurasaki)




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